


The Bells

by brocanteur



Series: To Bedlam and Part Way Back [7]
Category: Skins (UK)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-14
Updated: 2012-02-14
Packaged: 2017-10-31 03:47:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/339546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brocanteur/pseuds/brocanteur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"When Katie wakes up, the room is dark. The smell of cigarette smoke tickles her nose, and the space beside her is still vaguely warm, but empty."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Bells

**Author's Note:**

> Titles and opening quotes stolen from Anne Sexton.

_"I remember the color of music and how forever all the trembling bells of you were mine."_

\--

When Katie wakes up, the room is dark. The smell of cigarette smoke tickles her nose, and the space beside her is still vaguely warm, but empty.

"Effy?"

"Yeah."

Katie turns her head, finds Effy standing by her window, smoking. She's changed into a long t-shirt, and her legs are bare. For long moments, Katie stares at her silhouette, at her indistinguishable features, sharpened only when Effy takes a drag of her cigarette and the orange-red glow of its tip briefly lights her face.

Sitting up groggily, Katie asks, "What time is it?"

"Nearly midnight."

Katie rubs her hands across her face. She feels sticky, dirty--can't believe she slept so fucking long. "How long have you been awake, then?"

Effy shrugs. "Couldn't say." After she mashes out her cigarette in an already overflowing ashtray that rests precariously on the windowsill, she adds, "Your mobile rang a few times."

"Fucking fantastic," Katie groans, lying down again. As she buries herself beneath the covers, she imagines the number of messages she'll encounter when she finally looks, and hopes they're all from Emily. She can't deal with her mum's concern at the moment, and she she'd rather die than explain exactly where she's been, and who she's been _with_.

"You'll have to get up eventually. Or you can stay. I don't mind." Through the layers of blankets and sheets, Effy's voice sounds very distant, and nearly bored.

Katie snorts softly, pulls the blanket down enough to uncover her face. Effy's looking back at her, smiling guardedly. "We didn't..." Katie starts to say, shaking her head. "Fuck, we didn't really talk about anything, did we?"

"About what, exactly?" Effy replies, tilting her head. She's taken a shower, and Katie can't stop staring at her bare face.

"Gobbler's End, what'd you think?"

"Right." Effy's mouth turns down at one corner, but she doesn't look bothered, not really. "Go ahead and talk, if you'd like."

Rolling her eyes, Katie stretches up onto her elbows before she thinks better of it and gets out of bed entirely. She stretches her arms over her head and yawns; her legs are a bit sore from their long walk back from the woods.

When she looks up, Effy's gazing at her expectantly; she takes another cigarette from its pack, and puts it in her mouth, unlit. "So?"

Katie shrugs listlessly, moves to stand next to Effy and glances out the window, but all she sees below is a dark, soggy street.

Effy shifts, turns her head as she lights her cigarette. "Hardly anything worth looking at, is there?"

"No," Katie replies. She reaches out, and touches Effy's arm, carefully trailing her fingers along the length of it.

She encircles Effy's wrist loosely, and leans forward, giving Effy plenty of time to take the fag from her mouth, to exhale so slowly a cloud of smoke drifts out of her mouth and nose.

It's the first thing Katie tastes, that smoke--its bitterness invades her mouth, settles on her tongue.

The kiss itself is soft, unsure, and Katie tips her head back a bit bewildered.

They gaze at each other for a moment until Katie sighs and asks, "You all right?"

Effy's smile transmits nothing and everything at once. Her expression is muted, but there's something about the way her eyes soften that hits Katie square in the chest, so hard the sensation almost unbalances her.

"You're seriously asking?"

"Twat. It's not like I don't fucking care."

"Yeah," Effy replies quietly. "And when did _that_ happen?"

Katie balks, and it's so automatic she only realises she's done it when Effy's mouth sets in a thin, tight line.

She shrugs, examining Effy's face for a hint that all of this matters, that it means something, in the long run. Effy blinks quickly, looks out the window while Katie stammers, "Fuck should I know?"

Without looking up, Effy lets out a noticeable breath, an audible puff that’s so disarming, Katie can’t quite handle it.

The one thing she’s sure of now: that whatever game this was, or is, or might turn out to be, she'll never win. She isn't sure she cares anymore.

She reaches blindly for Effy's hand, tangles their fingers together even while Effy keeps her unfocused gaze on the window. "Christ, you're freezing."

Effy's smile doesn't reach her eyes. "Yeah."

This all feels inexplicably new, and there's a hint of awkwardness in the way Katie raises Effy's hand and kisses it, letting her mouth linger until Effy finally looks at her, eyes wide and questioning.

Katie hunches a shoulder, shaking her head. "Dunno," she whispers. "Don't fucking know."

She leans in and Effy meets her halfway, her mouth soft and giving, surprisingly tender.

This was never supposed to happen, Katie thinks; it's a distant thought, and it might be a distressing one if it weren't for the way Effy's lips part, and the way her hands rest lightly on the back of Katie's neck before sinking into her hair, fingers against her scalp, urging her closer.

It's a relentlessly slow kiss, but when they break apart Katie's chest feels as if it's on fire.

"I should go," she says. "It's been... I should get home, yeah?"

Effy nods, her brow furrowing as she stares back, looking just as overwhelmed as Katie feels. "You can stay."

"I know, I just... I know." Katie doesn't know what she's feeling, let alone what to say, so she does what they've always done instead of talk--gives Effy another quick, hard kiss, a promise. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

Effy licks her lips carefully, looks out the window--it's begun to rain again--and touches the pane of glass. "Yeah."

It's the sort of detached reaction Katie should've expected, but as she watches Effy's face close off, she can't help feel a spark of anger. At herself, mostly, for not knowing how to navigate this thing between them. For not knowing, even, what it is or why she wants it to work so fucking badly. Why, when they're apart, she's completely adrift; and when they're together she doesn't know how they'll keep from smashing each other to bits.

"Hey."

Effy closes her eyes for a moment, before turning her full attention back to Katie. She waits.

"Sorry," Katie says tightly. It's long overdue, but it still feel weird to say, like it's something she should never admit given have the chance to avoid it. When Effy frowns, Katie shrugs it away, fucking embarrassed by how out of sorts this is making her feel. "For the woods." She clears her throat, amends, "For the first time. For fucking you up and letting you take all of the blame."

"I hit you," Effy says roughly.

"And I fucking choked you, and spat on you, and I wasn't the one, like, tripping on shrooms. So, you know."

Effy looks at her for a long time, one of those looks Katie still hasn't managed to figure out. It isn't until Effy whispers her thanks that Katie relaxes.

Her lips twitch, and Effy smiles at just about the same time. "Fuck's sake, it's going to be awful now that we don't hate each other, isn't it?"

"Already bored," Effy replies languidly, the smirk on her face almost an invitation.

It starts as a _shut your fucking mouth_ sort of kiss, but then Effy curls her fingers into the front of Katie's top, tugs, and soon they're full-on snogging, pressed up against the window.

"Mm," Effy hums, her tongue sweeping along her lips, like she's tasting a reminder of their kiss. "Not so boring, maybe." She's still gripping Katie's shirt tightly, her other hand flat on the middle of Katie's back. For a few breathless moments, those hands are the only reason Katie remains upright.

"You'll tear my top, babe."

Effy lets go abruptly, sinking back against the window while Katie stumbles back a bit before regaining her footing.

"Still leaving, then?"

Katie hunches her shoulder, taking a step back. Giving herself room to breathe. Sometimes she thinks she can feel the air between them, thick and heavy and redolent with whatever it is that keeps drawing them together. "I should. I was just thinking of--"

"Reclaiming your virginity?" Effy's tone borders on sarcastic.

Katie rolls her eyes when she replies. "Not making the same mistakes." Effy winces, forcing Katie to back-peddle. "I don't mean _you_ , obviously, or I do, but not like--"

"It's okay, Katie. I know what you mean."

"Do you?"

"Yeah. Did you want to wait until we're civil-partnered, then?" As soon as Katie's mouth turns down, Effy deadpans, "It was a joke."

"No, I mean, _I know,_ " Katie stammers, frustrated and vaguely annoyed at herself for being such a blathering fool. "I just... Christ's sake, I don't want to screw it up, okay? It's all we do, isn't it? Get fucked up and fuck? Maybe it needs to be different for awhile."

"It's been different for weeks."

"Because you fucked off, yeah?" Katie snaps.

Effy's eyes widen with disbelief. "You _told_ me to."

"Right, but I didn't _mean it_."

When Effy makes a sound of disgust and begins turning away, Katie reaches out for her, takes her by the arm. And, fuck's sake, maybe this _is_ the only way she knows how to say anything anymore. With her hands, with her skin. Maybe she's broken. Maybe they've broken each other.

Maybe they've been broken all along.

She doesn't pull, just waits for Effy to come closer. "Don't, okay?" As soon as Effy sighs and takes a step nearer, Katie touches the side of her face, slides her fingers to the back of her neck. Effy stiffens, just for a second, but Katie shakes her head, whispers, "Please," and Effy melts bit by bit. When they kiss, it's slow and careful and more satisfying than Katie could ever have imagined possible.

"Shit," she murmurs thickly, feeling a ball of need settle low in her belly. "I don't fucking know what I'm doing."

"Obviously," Effy replies, her smile muted, but _present_ , and surprisingly comforting. "Go home, Katie. I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?"

Katie doesn't think about it; she just puts her arms around Effy and squeezes, lets out an inadvertent sound when Effy squeezes back and kisses the top of her head. She isn't sure they've ever done this, just fucking _hugged_ , but if they have, it's never felt like this--almost new and a bit hesitant, but mostly surprisingly intimate.

They kiss one last time, before Katie grabs her things to leave. She calls a taxi and waits outside, in the cold rain. She knows it's freezing, but she doesn't feel it.

It's all right.

 

\--

Emily's waiting for her, sitting up in bed. Lights off, but obviously very much awake.

"Katie."

"Don't start, Ems," Katie replies tiredly, tossing her jacket to the ground. She wishes she could have a shower without waking anyone.

"No, I just... Are you okay?"

Katie peels off her shirt, unbuttons her jeans. She starts to turn a glare in her sister's direction, but Emily looks so bloody concerned, Katie shows some compassion. "Yeah, I think so. Just keep Freddie away from me, yeah?"

"What happened?"

"Things sorted themselves out."

Emily raises an eyebrow. When Katie doesn't offer anything else, she says, "That's it, then?"

"Yeah." Katie takes off the rest of her clothes, and when she's in bed, underneath her blankets but shaking from the cold, she adds, "Look, just let me get some sleep, okay? I'm still fucking knackered."

Emily's helpless nod shouldn't feel like a victory, but it almost does.

\--

Freddie apologises.

"Katie!" He calls for her from the end of the hall, and she keeps walking because she's already seen him from the corner of her eye, and she's half-afraid he's come for some sort of fight and that's just about the last thing she fucking needs. "Katie, stop."

There's no real chance of getting away from him. It takes him four long strides to cover the distance between them, and before she can manage any sort of escape, he's got his hand on her arm. It isn't until she looks up at him and he says, "Please" like he actually means it, that she stops twisting in his grip.

"What?" She's aware she sounds nearly hysterical, but she can't help it. She looks around the hall, but no one's really noticed them. " _What,_ Freddie?"

His eyes widen and his lips part, but he doesn't say anything for long seconds. He just stares at her, like she's someone he's supposed to know, but has somehow forgotten. "I'm sorry," he says abruptly, dropping his hand.

She rubs the spot he was holding, even though it doesn't hurt; his grip was loose, awkward. "What for?" she asks flatly.

He fixes his gaze somewhere far above her head. "Everything." Then he lets out a pained laugh and shrugs. "Everything, I think."

"Fine." Two or three steps are all she manages to take before he stops her.

"Katie," he says, considerably more forceful now.

She knows what he wants. Fucking hell, she can't deal with this. "We're not talking about her, yeah? That's not a conversation I want to have with you."

"Oh?" He finally looks at her again, stares down intensely. "You mean Effy?"

"Don't be a fucking prick."

"Right. I guess I'm not supposed to have an opinion, is that it?"

"Jesus _Christ,_ " Katie exclaims, rubbing her hands across her face. She laughs, because it feels like the thing to do, because if she doesn't she's not sure what she'll do, what she'll say--what will come out of her. "Why does everyone thinks this is about them? You, fucking _Emily_. The universe doesn't revolve around you, okay? It's not all about you and your sodding _feelings._ "

Freddie's expression hardens for a moment, but then he sees something over Katie's shoulder, and his face drops completely. "Shit," he mutters, before rolling his eyes. "I actually meant it, you know? I _am_ sorry. It's, well it's none of my fucking business."

"No, it's really not."

Katie turns, startled to hear Effy's voice.

Freddie clears his throat and looks at Effy. "I was just saying--"

"I heard."

Freddie droops significantly. On his face is every emotion Katie can think of and, for maybe the first time, she sees clearly just how much he thought he loved Effy, how fucking painful this must be for him.

So she tries not to gloat when Effy takes her by the hand and starts walking.

"I think he wanted to say more," Katie says, when they've turned the corner. When Effy smirks at her, she begins laughing nervously. "Fuck's sake, I think you’ve just rescued me. How fucking ironic."

"He's harmless. He's just a harmless boy."

"Is he?"

Effy nods, smiles vaguely. "He wants someone to love."

"He loves _you,_ " Katie says, her tone accusatory. She regrets it instantly, regrets it mainly because Effy's answering expression is sad, and Katie doesn't want to think there's something lingering there, between Effy and Freddie. Just the thought of it makes her unexpectedly queasy.

"Maybe."

"Maybe? Well, did he fucking tell you he did? Because, babe, it's still all over his bloody face. Every time he looks at you--"

"Relax, Katie."

Katie lets out an angry breath. "It's not a difficult question," she says.

"He said he did." Effy shrugs. "They're just words."

"Yeah? Guess what, Eff? Some people, when they say things, they fucking _mean_ them. I know that's a hard concept to grasp, but really. Figure it out."

Effy straightens and crosses her arms, goes cold almost instantly. "So what?"

"So," Katie says. “Maybe you love him, too, yeah?"

Effy stares back at her, mouth open for a moment before she releases a bark of laughter. "You surprise me, Katie."

"Huh?"

"Yeah." Effy reaches out, and tucks a strand of hair behind Katie's ear. Katie jerks back angrily when Effy adds, "You're jealous."

"Fucking, _no._ " Effy just sort of stares at her, a small smile on her face, and Katie folds. "Shut up."

"Didn't say anything."

"So what if I am, a bit? It doesn't mean--"

Effy kisses her, just long enough to interrupt, to make every word about to come out of Katie's mouth totally fucking irrelevant.

"I don't love him."

Effy's answer is so matter-of-fact, Katie grows irritated again almost immediately. It isn’t that easy, Katie knows it’s not, and she hates that Effy's reduced it to the simplest kind of denial.

Still, when Effy says, "Come on, I'll walk you to class," Katie just nods dumbly and follows, feeling a flood of relief so acute, she almost reaches for Effy's hand.

\---

Sometimes Katie thinks it's better that they don't talk about anything to do with what they _are_ , because she's happy just watching _The IT Crowd_ and smoking spliff, or going out to clubs, where they dance but never get quite as fucked up as they used to.

When Pandora's relationship with Thomas seems solid enough, she starts spending more and more time with Effy again, and for a fortnight seems oblivious to that which their entire group of friends is painfully aware.

It isn't until they all go out to a rave Thomas has helped organise, that Panda finally puts it all together.

She gawps openly until finally Effy stares back. " _What?_ "

"Bloomin' heck, Eff, that was some proper snogging, wasn't it?" The music’s so loud, Katie can barely make out what Pandora is saying.

"What are you on about?" she asks when Effy's only reply is a less than subtle rolling of her eyes. Katie tips back the bottle she's holding. Water, for once, as she's trying to avoid looking like a right fucking disaster come morning.

Pandora's eyes are wide and curious. "Kissing, _stupid_. You and Eff. It was super duper kissing, like girl and boy stuff, only it was you two." She pauses to stare a bit longer, as if that might sort things out in her head. "Just like Emily and Naomi. Whizzer. Do you do surf and turf, as well?"

"Sort of," Effy replies, smirking at Katie. "But not for a while now."

Katie bites her lip to keep from smiling.

"Right," Pandora says cheerily. Then her face drops and she stage whispers at Effy, "So why'd you stop, then? Is it just not as brill? 'Cause she's a girl, I mean." She glances apologetically at Katie. "Sorry."

Katie laughs shortly. “Whatever.”

"I don't think that was ever our problem," Effy responds, looking directly at Katie as she speaks. She takes a drink from the plastic cup she's been nursing all night. "Was it, Katie?"

Katie flushes deeply, wishes there was something stronger than fucking _water_ in her bottle. She takes a drink anyway, because her mouth has gone dry. "No," she replies, pleased when Effy gives her a genuine smile. "Never was."

\---

It doesn't take long to figure out something's wrong, that something's _been_ wrong for a fucking while now, and that Katie's just been too busy dealing with her own shit to notice.

She finds Naomi on their front porch, sitting by the door, smoking and staring intently at her lap.

"Fuck are you doing here? Mum's coming home soon," Katie says, stepping around her to open the door.

Naomi sniffs loudly. "We've had a row. Tell her to come out, will you?"

Katie starts. "Who? Emily?"

"Unless you know of someone else living in your house with whom I’m having a bloody relationship, then yes, Katie, _Emily_."

"Christ's sake, no need to be testy. What the fuck have you fought about, then? Which one loves the other more?"

Naomi launches a withering glare in her direction, but it’s tempered by visible sadness and, for the first time, Katie sees that whatever this is, it's serious.

"Can you please just get your sister to come speak with me?"

Instead of doing as she's told, Katie sits down beside Naomi, who just looks away and sighs roughly.

"What'd you do?" Katie asks.

"And why're you assuming this is my fucking fault?"

"Because you're out here while she's inside, not fucking talking to you, that's why."

Naomi clenches her lips together tightly and refuses to say anything for a full minute, until Katie reminds her that she really can't be obstinate forever unless she wants to run into her future mother-in-law.

"Fucking hell," Naomi mutters, standing up, running her hands through her hair, too long and messy. She takes a few steps down the walkway, glances up at the window to Emily and Katie's room. "Get her to answer her sodding phone, okay? Can you do me that one favour?"

Katie nods, and waits on the porch until Naomi's taken off on her ridiculous little scooter. As soon as she's out of sight, the front door opens and Emily peeks out, looking just as fucked up as Naomi had been.

"Fuck's going on with you two?" Katie asks.

Emily gives her a long look, shakes her head, and disappears back into the house.

\--

It takes about twenty minutes for Katie to realise she's been talking and talking, and Effy hasn't said a word.

"Are you fucking listening to me?"

"Trying not to," Effy replies.

They're lying on her bed, facing opposite ends; Effy's got her feet propped up against the wall, the soles of her boots parallel to the ceiling. All Katie has to do is shift her gaze a bit, and she's staring at Effy's long legs. When Katie snorts at her obnoxious reply, Effy adds, her tone lazy,"Yes, I'm listening. Naomi. Emily. Love's a bitch."

"Yeah, right."

"So?"

"What d'you mean, so?"

"So they're fighting. So what?"

"My sister's fucking gutted, yeah? And she won't tell me why, and it just... It bothers me."

"What? That she's upset, or that she won't tell you why?"

"God, you're a cunt."

Effy laughs. "Valid question."

Katie sits up, and draws her knees to her chest; Effy stares back placidly. "You never tell either one of them this, right, but I... I don't know. I don't want them to break up."

"How sweet."

"Shut up," Katie retorts, annoyed. "After all they've been through..."

"Maybe it's better they end it now, before it's been years and years until one of them fucks it up."

"Why do you assume someone's got to fuck up?"

Effy purses her lips and looks away. "Someone always does." She stretches her arms over her head and, after a long moment, adds, "I'm in the mood to get unbelievably wasted. Are you up for it?"

"No, I'm going home," she says, still irritated by the whole thing—by Effy’s reaction almost as much as the situation itself. She rolls off the bed and looks for her shoes and purse, conscious of Effy's gaze following her around the room. "See you around, yeah?"

Effy mumbles a feeble good-bye.

Katie's barely made it a block before she gets a text: _Changed mind. Come watch shit telly w/ me._

She walks another half block before sighing and turning around.

\--

A few days later, Katie comes home to find a note on her bed that reads: _Things sorted. Cover for me._

She rings Effy.

"You owe me twenty quid."

"The love birds back together, then?"

"No need to be so bloody sarcastic about it."

"Sorry. I'm clearly just upset they've buggered up my views on life and love."

"I hate you," Katie answers, laughing.

"Thank you, Katie. All's right with the world again."

\--

Weeks later, when it's much too cold for a swim, Katie lets Effy drag her to the water park. When she asks why they can't just go back to Effy's, Effy dodges the question.

Katie has learned not to press.

They sit by the edge of the water, smoking, and it isn't until they've been there for some time that Effy speaks.

"If you could," she asks blandly, "would you have things with Emily be the way they used to be, back when she was the doormat and you were stepping all over her?"

Katie bristles; Effy hasn't said anything deliberately hurtful in a very long time. "What sort of question is that?"

"Sorry," Effy replies, taking a draw from the fag. "Poorly phrased."

"What the fuck, Eff?"

Effy shakes her head dourly, but then, after a brief pause, asks, "Do you miss her?"

"Why are we talking about Emily? And, anyway, it’s not like she’s gone away."

Effy doesn't answer, just levels Katie with a questioning look, and waits.

"She's happier now. I made her life miserable." When Effy offers a pained smile, Katie adds, "Yeah, I do miss her. Sometimes. It’s not the same, is it?"

Effy keeps her gaze fixed on the water. "Nobody stays," she says quietly, takes another drag before stubbing the cigarette out on the ground.

Katie doesn't know how to respond. She knows they aren’t talking about Emily, not actually , and she briefly wonders if Effy really means her dad, or Tony. Or maybe even Anthea. Fucked up as she is, she’s never truly present.

Katie doesn’t ask.

Wrapping her arm around Effy's shoulder, she squeezes and, after a moment, leans closer and kisses Effy's cheek, the side of her throat. Before long, they're snogging, and Effy relaxes in Katie’s arms; it feels better.

Like an answer to a question nobody asked.

\--

She spots Effy sitting on the grass alone, smoking and looking out towards the school with a bored expression on her face. When she sees Katie, the corner of her mouth jerks up and it's enough for Katie to feel a certain kind of thrill. It's the most ridiculous fucking thing she's thought since that first day of college, when all she wanted the moment she laid eyes on Effy Stonem was to be best friends. _We're the same,_ she'd thought then. _Cool, popular, good-looking. We should hang out, definitely._

It's not that now, not at all, and she isn't sure what's different, except that now she knows they're not the same, and Effy's nothing close to perfect.

"Sit down," Effy tells her. Her expression is bemused, but there's a glint of something else in her eyes that Katie has come to recognize and crave.

Katie doesn't, and after a moment, Effy says,"You're hovering. It's annoying."

"I'm not going to get grass stains on my fucking skirt, yeah? It's new."

Effy rolls her eyes and shrugs out of her jacket, lays it out on the ground. "There you are, princess."

Katie's lips twitch, but she valiantly keeps from smiling. "Fuck's sake, you're gallant," she says a tad snidely. When Effy glares, Katie has the overwhelming urge to kiss her, but lets the feeling pass. Instead, she sits down, just as she's been asked and, as covertly as she can, slides her fingertips along Effy's arm. "It's really _sweet_ , babes," she adds, trying not to laugh.

Effy, it turns out, isn't interested in discretion, or privacy of any sort.

It's not that Effy's kissing her, it's that she's kissing her hard, and they're in _public,_. Still, Katie can't pull herself out of it. It's Effy who ends it, and all Katie can do is loosen the tight grip on her shoulders.

Effy takes a drag from her cigarette, glances away for a moment before giving Katie a long look and saying, "Your lipstick's smudged." After a heartbeat or two, she smiles, so beautifully Katie forgets whatever insult she was going to level in her direction.

"I don't know why I like you," she says instead, because that, at least, is an honest response.

"My winning personality, surely," Effy answers. "Isn't that why everybody likes me?"

Katie tries to dampen the smile stretching her mouth, to hold in the laughter bubbling in her chest, but in the end she gives in.

Lately, she's been giving in quite a lot.

\--

She stares at the back of Emily's head during General Studies and it's only then, in the middle of pretending to read _A Mill on the Floss,_ that Katie notices Emily's hair is much brighter than it used to be--a shade of red so vivid, so fake, it reminds Katie of cherry lollies or maybe some sort of sticky sweet fruit punch.

After college, she walks alone to Boots, finds the aisle with row upon row of hair dye, and stares at the boxes until her eyes cross. _Fuck it_ , she thinks, grabbing the first colour she think will look normal.

Once home, she finds Emily at the kitchen table, going over coursework.

"I need your help, yeah?"

"With what?"

Katie holds up the box of dye. "My hair."

Emily raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t make a fuss, and soon they’re set about the task as casually as if they were painting each other’s nails.

When Katie rinses her hair and looks in the mirror, Emily stands behind her, watching.

“It’s good,” she says. “It suits you.”

Katie shifts her attention, seeing beyond her own reflection to that of Emily gazing back at her. They look so different, she thinks, no one would confuse them now. “Yeah? Thanks.”

Emily smiles a bit, leans closer and kisses Katie’s cheek. She says, “You’re still my sister, right?”

Katie feels a thick knot of emotion in her throat, puts her hand up to it as she nods and looks back at herself, at her dark hair and her clean face.

She’s never felt more, and less, like herself in her entire life.

\--

Effy opens the door and looks at her curiously for a long time without saying a word.

Katie shifts from foot to foot, brings her hand to the back of her head before finally snapping, "What?"

"Nothing," Effy replies. "You look nice."

"If you say a fucking word about, like, metaphors, I swear, babe--"

Effy interrupts with a single look. "I wasn't going to." She reaches out, gingerly runs her fingers through Katie's hair. "Come on. I hardly recognised you, that's all."

Katie rolls her eyes, but laughs anyway.

They sit outside, on the wet grass--it tickles the back of Katie's bare thighs--passing a bottle of vodka between them. They drink little, and when Effy lights a fag and asks Katie if she wants one, Katie shrugs and reaches over to take the one already dangling from Effy's lips.

"Bit cold to be sitting out here," she says, leaning back on her elbows, tipping her head until she's staring up at the stars.

Effy lights another cigarette, takes a few deep drags and tosses it somewhere into the nearby foliage. "What?" she asks, a slow smile curving her lips. "Bored?"

Katie laughs. "Yeah," she says. "I’m fucking bored." She throws Effy a sideways glance, and Effy's eyes narrow even as her smile broadens. "We could go dancing, or whatever."

"We could," Effy replies, but she's so bloody neutral about it, Katie grows annoyed. "Stop pouting, your face will freeze that way."

Effy touches Katie's brow, smooths it carefully with her thumb. When Katie finally relaxes, Effy smiles softly and says, "Better."

Katie's almost used to the way Effy will say something, do something that will make her stomach clench tightly, or her chest feel like someone's stepping on it. Like something big and heavy is pushing the air out of her lungs, so mercilessly she feels faint.

"Eff?"

"Hm?" Effy doesn't face her; she's too busy gazing up at the sky.

"Let's go."

The club is teeming with people, so many Katie almost regrets her suggestion. But then Effy takes her by the hand and they start dancing--not even touching so much as bouncing next to each other, laughing--and Katie forgets.

They drink a bit, and dance for so long that Katie's flushed all over; her hairline is damp with sweat, and beads of it trickle down the middle of her back.

By the time they stumble out of the club, less drunk than giddy, Katie feels better, braver. She clutches Effy's hand and Effy lets her.

They go back to Effy's house, to Effy's room.

Effy sits on her bed, leans back on her hands. "Do you want to stay?" she asks, her tone not revealing much of anything. It's only because Katie's paying attention that she sees the way Effy's throat works for a moment, the way her eyes widen just enough to make it seem like she cares one way or another.

Katie nods, and Effy accepts the answer quickly enough, says, "Great" with little enthusiasm as she heads back outside her room. “Hungry?”

They eat buttered toast and drink tea at the kitchen table. Effy chews slowly and Katie's nearly done with her tea before Effy even takes a sip of her own.

She's as quiet as ever, but every once in a while she looks over at Katie, gives her a bemused smile that Katie finds both infuriatingly arrogant and attractive.

When Katie gets up to put her cup and plate in the sink, Effy follows, leaning close as she opens the tap. She rinses both plates haphazardly, murmurs something about needing washing up liquid.

"Can't you do that tomorrow?"

Effy shrugs, but she stops the water flowing from the tap, rubs her wet hands on the front of her dress. She leans back a bit, gives Katie a look before adding, "What, Katie?"

Katie frowns. "What'd you mean, what?"

"You're staring. Something on my face?"

Fuck’s sake, has she been staring? Katie shakes her head and looks away briefly, because she suddenly feels like a besotted imbecile.

Effy just watches her curiously for a moment before reaching out to touch her lip. She smooths her thumb across it, slowly, and Katie freezes, holds her breath. When Effy holds up her finger, there's nothing on it. "Crumb," Effy explains.

It’s the way Effy’s gaze sharpens, a hint of a smile curving her mouth, that sends a ripple of desire through Katie’s body—it’s familiar, yet so strong she almost can’t help herself.

"Christ," she murmurs, putting a hand out, pushing Effy into the counter. "It's not fucking fair."

She doesn't stop to look for Effy's reaction, just surges until their mouths are pressed together tightly. Without provocation, without much thought at all, really, she slides her hand under Effy's top, and cups her breast, thumbs her nipple in a way that isn’t gentle at all. The whole thing is almost awkward at first, because Effy seems to be completely stunned by it, but then whatever surprise she's feeling, and whatever apprehension is tightening Katie's throat, vanishes until they're just kissing roughly, their mouths slipping past one another again and again. Katie hears herself groan, an urgent sound she feels echoed in Effy's answering kiss.

It isn’t long before Katie’s hooking her fingers through belt loops and tugging forcefully until they’re grinding into each other, the soft, almost broken sounds coming out of Effy their own reward.

When Katie reaches down and fumbles to undo the first button on Effy’s trousers, Effy jerks back suddenly.

"Wow," she says breathlessly, her brow furrowed, and her lips wet, swollen. "Katie--"

Katie winces, pulling her hands away abruptly. "Yeah, sorry," she says, her chest seizing unexpectedly.

Effy's retort is a stinging kiss. "No.That’s not--"

Katie doesn't ask Effy to clarify her point, just kisses her again, hands splayed across her back, licking into the warmth of her mouth.

When they break apart with a gasp, Katie drags her tongue along Effy’s throat and jaw, bites at her ear. She buries her face in Effy’s hair, slips a hand between her thighs, and whispers, "Is this okay? I just, I..."

"Yeah," Effy answers, and though the word itself isn't entirely reassuring, the way Effy utters it, her voice uneven, urgent-- “Let’s go upstairs, yeah?”

They rush to Effy’s room and as soon as they’re inside and the door’s closed, Effy pulls her top over her head and falls onto the bed, arms up and out, fingers reaching for air. She turns her keen gaze on Katie, invites her with a few, teasing words: “Come on, then. I’m waiting.”

Katie feels a slow smile stretch her mouth as she crawls onto the mattress and sinks beside Effy, kissing the freckles on her chest, before gently dragging her teeth along a hardened nipple. When Effy laughs breathlessly and fists a handful of Katie’s hair tightly, Katie slowly draws it into her mouth and sucks.

She only stops when she feels Effy’s chest shake with soundless laughter.

“What?” Katie asks, confused.

“You don’t hate me.” Katie half-frowns, surprised by Effy's tone, but then Effy grins wickedly and adds, "It's a surprise for me, too."

"Ha ha. Very funny," Katie says, pushing half-heartedly at Effy's shoulder when she sits up in a failed attempt to kiss her.

Effy falls back instantly--all on her fucking own--her smile widening impossibly when Katie doesn't bother disguising an eyeroll.

When Katie leans over her, though, Effy sobers considerably; Katie watches the way her chest rises and falls as she takes a very deep breath and exhales.

"Tell me it's not, like, weird," Katie says, almost stammering.

"If only I knew what you were talking about," Effy replies lightly.

Katie can't quite bring herself to laugh, but she wants to. She feels both apprehensive and inexplicably happy. She leans over and kisses Effy, a chaste kiss that leaves Effy staring back at her with something like wonder.

Effy rolls onto her side, resting her head on her outstretched arm. Her fingers skip idly along the headboard. "Ah."

Katie shakes her head. "You're a bitch," she murmurs amiably. "But it _is_ a bit weird, isn't it?"

"Would it make it less weird if I let you choke me?"

It shouldn't be funny, Katie thinks, the reminder of how fucked up it's all been. And it isn't, not entirely, but she manages to remember that this is supposed to be different, maybe, so... "Yeah, would you?" It's a joke, of course it's a joke, but she still feels slightly uncomfortable making it.

Meanwhile, Effy tilts her head back, exposing her neck. Her smile, when it appears, feels like a dare.

Katie snorts, gives Effy a look of warning, followed by a smirk, and straddles her thighs. She leans over, rests her forearms on either side of Effy's head, and says, "Maybe I just want to be nice to you for once."

"I don't want your head exploding, Katie," Effy replies, looking so pleased, so bloody amused, Katie has the momentary urge to actually throttle her.

It's a passing fancy, because less than two seconds later, Effy lifts her head, closing the small distance between them, and kisses her. It isn't remotely chaste, isn't on the same fucking planet as chaste.

A nearly overwhelming relief floods through Katie as she sinks onto Effy’s body, kisses back urgently, hungrily. Effy licks at her mouth, groaning softly, and it feels like so much, Katie doesn't know how to begin sorting out every emotion that bombards her at once.

Her hands are suddenly everywhere. She doesn’t know where to start, so she reaches for whatever she can, settles for gripping the back of Effy’s neck tightly while her other hand finds one of Effy's tits. It isn’t a delicate touch, but Effy seems to like it, arches into it as her kisses become increasingly desperate.

Katie tears herself away from Effy's mouth, dips her head to press her lips along Effy's throat, along the tendons that go taut when Katie fights with the button on Effy’s trousers and wins, sliding her hand between them and Effy’s knickers. Effy makes a strangled sound which forces Katie stop, just for a second. She squeezes her eyes shut as a wave of lust threatens to leave her breathless. When she feels herself grow wet, she takes whatever air she can into her lungs; Effy doesn’t help. She forces Katie into another kiss, and it's so hard and demanding Katie can't breathe; she can't fucking _breathe._

"Fuck's sake," she manages, dropping her forehead onto Effy's shoulder as she attempts to steady herself. There are words lodged in her throat, things she means to say, but doesn't know how. It isn't enough, somehow, to say _I've missed this_ , because they never quite had this; it was never this easy. It still isn't easy, but it feels now like something she wants. Or maybe just like something it's okay to _need_.

So it's what she says, quietly, fervently, her mouth against Effy's skin: "Fuck, I _need_ you."

"Does it hurt?" Effy replies shakily.

The question throws her so badly, Katie doesn't know how to respond. When she tips her head back, she sees Effy's eyes are bright, unfocused. "Hurt? How do you--"

Effy puts her hand over Katie's heart and gives her a knowing look that still manages to be tinged with a wistfulness Katie finds disconcerting.

She swallows down a sudden ball of emotion. "Not as much as I thought it would."

Effy nods. "I'm glad," she says, and the kiss she presses to Katie's lips is suffused with the sort of tenderness Katie isn't sure she'll ever be used to.

The tenderness disappears quickly, though, and soon Katie forgets to think about what anything _means_ , and concentrates instead on what she can _feel_ , on what she can get lost in.

Like Effy's mouth, which has gone from tender to demanding in the span of a few seconds. Katie groans appreciatively, shifting so her knee is pressed between Effy's legs. "Fuck," she whispers, watching as Effy bites her lip when Katie begins to rub firmly, feeling how slick, how unbelievably hot Effy is, even through her knickers. Effy instantly puts her hand over Katie's, keeping it in place as she grinds up into it. "You want me, too," Katie says softly, stroking, feeling more than hearing Effy's sharp intake of breath. "Don't you?"

"Don't," Effy whimpers, bucking against Katie's fingers when she slides them beneath the fabric, "ask stupid questions."

Katie's smirk is only held in check by the unbelievably engrossing sight of Effy's face--her expression is almost wild, uncontrolled. It's so fucking beautiful Katie nearly forgets that she needs to hear the words come out of Effy's mouth. "Please." Her fingers move more deliberately along Effy's cunt, and, Christ, she wants her to come. She wants it so urgently, it’s making the ache between her own legs near-painful. "Just fucking _say it._ "

"You idiot," Effy says in a barely-audible rush, "I haven't _stopped_ wanting you."

Katie doesn't know why it matters, doesn't know why it sends a shiver through her entire body, hearing Effy say the words as she stares back feverishly, her lips trembling, her cheeks and chest flushed. It shouldn't matter that, when Katie slides Effy's knickers down and settles between her legs, when she kisses Effy's cunt with an open, hungry mouth, Effy says her name.

That she whispers it like it means something to her.

\--

She knows she shouldn't get comfortable, but somehow it happens anyway. She ends up spending a lot more time at Effy's house than she means to, and even though Effy doesn't encourage it with words, she does with actions.

"Am I irritating you yet?" Katie asks, one day they're lying in bed and the sun is low in the sky.

Effy gives her a look, not quite annoyance but bordering on it, and Katie just shrugs. "I used to tell people we were best friends, you know, and that, like, we'd do all sorts of things together, when really I knew you couldn't stand me."

"Why bring that up now?" Effy asks, reaching for her cigarettes; she lights one and takes a joyless drag.

Katie shakes her head, rolling to her side, to face Effy completely. "Because I like you a lot better now, yeah? I fucking lied to myself about a lot of things, and I don't want to think I'm doing it now."

"You're not." Effy scoots closer, puts her hand on Katie's hip in a way that feels almost possessive. Her mouth curves in a way Katie's grown all too familiar with; it's the kind of smile she associates with them, like this--not fucking, just lying together, naked and almost honest. "If you're thinking about the end, then don't. It'll happen when it happens."

"That's not very fucking reassuring, Eff."

When Effy rolls her eyes, she manages to make it look affectionate. She puts out the fag and leans over, pushes Katie flat on her back. "Is there some other way to make you feel better?" she asks quietly, threading her fingers through Katie's hair. "If I didn't want you here, you'd know it." She kisses Katie's cheek, the corner of her mouth. "I want you here." She kisses Katie's mouth fully, delicately. "So stop asking stupid questions."

"Don't you ever need to ask stupid questions?" Katie whispers against Effy's skin. "Don't you ever need to know anything?"

Effy leans back a bit, narrows her eyes in confusion. She opens her mouth, but doesn't reply; anyway, Katie isn't sure she wants her to.

The kiss she presses to Effy's lips is hard, unflinching. When she pins Effy to the bed, Katie thinks it means something that Effy's breath hitches and her hands tremble. She ascribes significance to everything now, in a way she would've thought stupid, before. She hates herself for it, a bit, but it's in a wholly different way than she might have in the beginning.

When Katie comes and Effy's name bottles up in her throat, she lets it out without fear that she'll be making a fool of herself; it's too late to worry about it, too late to pretend.

She wants Effy to know. She wants to tell her.

\--

“That’s the fourth outfit you’ve tried on,” Emily says as she watches, perched on the edge of her bed.

Katie examines herself in the mirror as she slides her fingers carefully through her hair and purses her lips. She tries to be objective, critical even, but for fuck’s sake it’s _Effy_ she’s trying to impress, apparently. It’s not until Emily reminds her of it that she stops obsessing over her appearance.

“I liked the first one better.” Emily smiles softly and shrugs. “You’re in love with her.”

“Oh, don’t be fucking stupid. I always try and look nice, you cow.”

“That’s not why I’m saying it, Katie. Would it really be so horrible?”

Katie opens her jewelry box and pretends to sort through it; her eyes sting and she blinks carefully because none of what’s going on with Effy is any of Emily’s business.

And yet: “Wouldn’t it?” she asks quietly. “Wouldn’t it be horrible?”

She feels Emily’s arms wrap around her waist and, for a moment, allows herself to sag against her sister’s embrace.

“It doesn’t have to be.”

\--

Two weeks later, when Effy returns none of her calls, answers none of her messages, Katie reminds herself of the awful way the word _love_ stuck to the back of her throat when Emily brought it up.

When she forces herself to go to Effy’s house and finds it shuttered—quiet and dark—the panic that overtakes her is so great, she sits down on the front stoop and puts her head down until the world doesn’t seem to be spinning quite so quickly, quite so dangerously.

It’s Pandora who sorts it out for her: “She’s gone to Wales with her mum and dad. They’ve gone to see Tony. Effy says they’ve gone to finish things. Don’t right know what that means, but I’m sure she’ll be back. She really didn’t tell you?”

“Effy doesn’t do things the way other people do,” Katie tells Emily, later. She’s got her head in Emily’s lap and, for once, isn’t ashamed of the tears that spring up in her eyes. “She isn’t even mine, is she? So why should I fucking care?"

Emily doesn't say anything. She rubs Katie's back slowly and when Katie starts crying in earnest, has the decency to keep her mouth shut.

\--

A few days later, after Panda inadvertently tells all of their friends Katie didn't know Effy would be fucking off to Cardiff, it's Cook who pulls her aside.

"So, I heard," he tells her, his hands stuffed in his trouser pockets. They're in the middle of a class change, and the halls are crowded and loud so he has to lean in close so she can make out what he's saying.

"Don't know what you're on about," she murmurs, swivelling to get around him. When he steps in front of her, blocking her path, she glares and shrugs. " _What?_ What d'you want, Cook?"

"Nothing." He looks serious for half a moment before flashing her a toothy smile. "Only one way to get over a broken heart, eh, princess?"

Katie flinches, remembering how, not long ago, Effy'd called her that. She wonders now if Effy picked it up from Cook, and the thought alone makes her feel ill. "You're vile. Get out of my fucking way."

"I fucking know her, babe. I know what she does, yeah? Gets under your skin. Fucking hell, I thought you two were having a laugh till I saw you this morning and realised she'd done you in as well."

"Yeah, well, you don't know anything about it. Okay? So just fuck off."

He crosses his arms, refusing to budge. Katie grits her teeth but lets the urge to slap him pass.

"I spent weeks with her. Fucking _weeks_. Day and fucking night, so, yeah--I do know a bit."

"What d'you want me to say?" Katie asks, angry and confused, but mostly just really fucking tired. "I mean, fuck's sake--go to it, yeah? Go and fucking win her back, if that's what you want. I don't bloody care, okay? So just, just--" She puts her hands to her face when she realises there are tears streaming down her cheeks and she's helpless to stop them. "Fuck. _Fuck._ "

"Ah, fucking hell. Don't cry." When he tries pulling her into a stilted hug, she jerks away from him and punches him square in the shoulder, as hard as she can. He winces and takes a step back.

"Good fucking arm," he murmurs. "With some training, yeah, you could be, like, some sort of ladies' boxing champion or--" When she sniffs loudly and swipes at her eyes, he stops and smiles a bit, ducking his head until she's forced to look him in the eye. "I'm fucking sorry, yeah? It's shit."

"I'm not like you," she replies, but her voice is thick and one look at the patronising tilt of his smile proves Cook isn't buying it.

"Yeah, all right, peachy." He reaches into his jacket and pulls out a flask, waves it at her. "Got the cure for what ails you, though. Come have a chat with Uncle Cookie."

"You're so fucking ridiculous. Do you even know that?"

"Nah, I'm the man with the plan, Katiekins, and my plan is to get you so pissed you'll--"

"I'm not fucking you," she interrupts firmly.

"Not what I was going to fucking say, but if you're up for it--" She gives him a withering look that only manages to make him laugh. "Forget about your fucking woman troubles, yeah?" He winks at her and she can't help but laugh a bit, too. "What d'you reckon, babe? Have a few pints and possibly a very good time with yours truly, or wallow in your fucking misery?"

"It's all so bloody stupid," she says, pressing the heels of her hands against her eyes, hard. The sting almost feels good, and when she swallows, the pain in her throat and in her chest is less acute.

Cook grins at her. "Ain't that the fucking truth, princess."

"Fuck it. Let's go."

\--

It isn't even noon, and the pub's empty save for two very pathetic-looking old men sitting at the bar. It's really too early to be drinking, but Keith doesn't seem to give a fuck one way or the other, and when Cook slaps him on the back affectionately, he orders his barmaid, Christina, to bring them whatever they'd like.

Katie can't stomach the thought of vodka, so she orders cider and watches--with both disgust and respect for his tolerance levels--as Cook tips back two shots before settling in with a pint of beer.

Katie looks around the pub for a moment before she speaks. "Remember how fucking awful your birthday party was?"

"My birthday was fucking epic, man," Cook replies seriously.

When he grins and winks at her, Katie thinks maybe she wasted too much time avoiding him, because he's really not so fucking awful. And if he did some remarkably stupid things-- Well, who fucking hasn't?

"Tosser." She smiles at him before remembering why they're together at all. Sighing, she says, "I can't believe all that's happened in _one fucking year._ "

"Yeah, well, that's fucking life, innit?" He drinks all of his pint in one go, and before he's even done swallowing, he's already waving for another. "We're still here, yeah? For whatever that's fucking worth. You survived being, you know, being bashed on the head, and I--" He smiles again, but it's surprisingly wistful, and he doesn't finish what he's saying.

Katie doesn't ask.

"Hardly an accomplishment," she replies. "Is it?"

He shrugs. "Fancy a game of darts, princess?"

"I'm shit at darts."

"Long as you hit something in the general direction of the fucking board and not one of the wankers at the bar, I don't think Keith'll mind."

Cook plays a slightly less terrible game than she does, but they laugh through most of it, and drink quite a bit more than Katie had thought she was in the mood for.

When she feels drunk enough, she asks, "How the fuck did you get on all that time? What did you, like, live out of bins or something?"

"Or something," he replies, not looking at her, just aiming his dart before he throws, missing the board altogether. "I'd fucking do it all over again." He gives her a sideways glance. "Even the fucking end, you know?"

"Are you still in love with her, then?"

"Nah," he says quickly, and without conviction. "Anyway, too many fields to plough, yeah?" He grins lewdly and waggles his eyebrows.

"Right," she replies, rolling her eyes with a smile. "Cook." She pauses for a bit before proceeding awkwardly. "Was she _happy?_ "

He gazes back blankly, but there's an edge to his voice when he answers. "And what do you fucking think?"

It's wrong, probably, to hope Effy was miserable with Cook, that she grew to hate Freddie and the miasma of his love.

She drinks the rest of her cider and says, "I need a fag."

They smoke outside together, each with one foot propped back against the wall of the pub as they gaze up at the sky, which is cloudy, portentously grey.

Cook's the first to speak: "She never wanted me. I was something to do, and fuck knows, she probably liked me, 'cause everyone does, yeah?" He smiles at Katie, and it's so charming she smiles back automatically. "Know why she came with me? Why she stayed with me all that time? 'Cause she wanted to believe I didn't give a fuck about anything. She didn't want love, Effy. She wanted to fuck, yeah? And she wanted to get so fucked up she wouldn't have to think about all the shit in her life."

"Sounds familiar," Katie replies, her voice catching in her throat for no reason at all. She takes a deep drag from her cigarette and blows a stream of smoke straight up. "Why did you come back at all, then?"

"She really didn't tell you?"

"I didn't ask," Katie replies. "It didn't fucking matter, did it?"

"So why are you asking me now? I mean, she's fucking gone, yeah? All of this time, you could've asked her, but now she's left--"

"We were never..." She looks away and takes another drag, and this time chokes as the smoke burns its way down. Her eyes water as she adds, "It was never supposed to be a fucking _thing_ , okay?"

"Fuck me, little girl, but you are _fucked up._ Oh, man, how does she fucking do it, yeah?" He laughs shortly and drops his fag to the ground, stomps it out.

"By being fit and mysterious," Katie replies flatly, swiping at her eyes.

Cook laughs too loudly, too happily. "That's what JJ fucking called her!"

He drags her back into the pub, and when Christina appears with his pint and more cider for Katie, he holds his glass up until Katie tips her own against it. "Cheers, mate."

"Yeah, right," she replies. "Cheers."

\--

Naomi and Emily have been snapping at each other all morning, and it's doing nothing to ease the intense headache Katie's been living with for two solid days.

"Christ's sake, you two, just _shut up._ Act like you're in love, will you?"

"Being in love doesn't solve all your problems, Katie. You should know that," Naomi answers testily. "Why don't you tell your sister to start dealing with your parents in a way that's, I don't know, bloody constructive for once?"

Emily makes a disgruntled sound. "Why don't you tell _Naomi_ that I'll gladly deal with Mum and Dad the moment she's ready to have a conversation about university applications and our fucking _future_ , okay?"

"Jesus, Emily, how are we supposed to talk about the future when you're perfectly all right sneaking around _for months_ without a fucking plan. I was willing to wait, but it's gotten pretty fucking ridiculous, don't you think? You know I don't give a toss what your mum thinks about me, Em, so the sooner you start sorting things out with her, the easier our lives will be."

Katie recognises the look on Emily's face, a look that says she knows Naomi's just made a good point but she's too embarrassed and frustrated and stubborn to concede. Instead, she grabs her bag, muttering "fucking hell" beneath her breath as she takes off towards the school.

After a moment, Naomi manages a mordant smile. "Look who just pulled an Effy," she says, reaching for her cigarettes.

Katie rolls her eyes, holding out her hand until Naomi gives her a fag and lights it for her. "It's fucking stupid, how much she loves you. And if you don't know that--"

"I do know," Naomi replies tiredly. "That's what makes it hard, right?"

"You'd think it'd be easier."

Naomi gives her a look. "Jesus, you're thick."

"Not fucking actually," Katie retorts snidely, but then Naomi smiles, raising her eyebrows, and Katie capitulates. "Fuck, whatever. It's not the same, like, _at all._ "

"True, I can usually find Emily, when I try hard enough," Naomi says, and her tone--she might as well be talking about her fucking keys--makes Katie laugh. "Any idea where Effy's gone?"

“Did Emily not tell you? Cardiff. And I hope she stays forever, yeah? If I never see her again, it’ll be—“

Naomi interrupts. “Sorry to dash all your hopes and dreams in one, but I think we’re witnessing the ignominious return of Miss Effy Stonem. Jesus, she looks awful. Who’s that bloke driving her? Is that her brother, then?”

Katie looks up sharply, and the word "Where?" is out of her mouth before she can stop it. Naomi touches her arm, briefly, and nods in the direction of the car.

And, yeah, that looks like it could be Tony Stonem, chatting animatedly while Effy gazes blankly out the passenger-side window. They sit in the idling car for a bit until, finally, Effy opens the door to get out. Katie has the urge to run, but she can't imagine doing anything more ridiculous. There's no way Effy wouldn't see; and, besides, she still has _some_ fucking pride left.

They lock gazes and the feeling that grips Katie for a moment is so intensely painful she actually takes a step back, hits the brick wall behind her. Effy looks away first, but the expression on her face is miserable, and Katie takes no pleasure whatsoever from having won the staring contest.

"Christ," Naomi murmurs. "It's worse than I thought."

Katie tips her head against the wall. Unable to take her eyes away from Effy's retreating figure, she watches until Effy's swallowed up by the crowd. "Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Whatever you're fucking thinking of saying, yeah? Just, don't."

\--

Katie runs into Effy twice more; the first time, she avoids her by ducking into a classroom she doesn't belong in, and the second she loses all sense of pride and half-runs to the bathroom, where she splashes cold water on her face and spends the next ten minutes trying to fix her fucked up makeup.

She tries telling herself she doesn't care, but she can't make herself believe it anymore, and when she leans against the sink, gripping its edges tightly, she ruins her makeup a second time by crying.

\--

She doesn't bother with class for the rest of the day, and when the school day's over, Emily finds her sitting on the lawn, far from Roundview's entrance. Naomi isn't with her, and it's the most fucking ridiculous thing, that Katie finds herself tearing up at that as well.

"You saw Effy, then?" Emily asks, sitting down beside her.

Katie makes a face, but doesn't answer.

"You going to talk to her?"

"What for?"

"She looks like shit, Katie. Something's going on with her, obviously."

"And that's my fucking problem how?"

"Why are you pretending you don't care?"

"Fucking hell, Emily, mind your own business for once, will you?" Emily's face drops, and she looks so genuinely hurt, Katie murmurs, "Look, fuck. Sorry, okay? I mean--"

"No, you're right."

"No, I'm _not._ I'm a fucking mess right now, yeah, and I don't know what to do."

"I think you should talk to her."

Katie curls her fingers into the grass and holds tightly, feeling its roots give way little by little. "She left for, like, a _week_ and didn't tell me. I thought something horrible had happened until fucking _Panda_ told me otherwise, so excuse me if I'm not all that eager to have a bloody conversation with her."

"I know you're angry, but--"

"You don't get it, Ems. I thought things had fucking changed, okay? It just seemed like..." Katie sighs and shakes her head, finally rips the grass from out of the dirt. "Being with someone shouldn't be this fucking complicated. Not one of my boyfriends--"

"Hate to break it to you, Katie, but your boyfriends were fucking morons, all of them, and not one was going to prepare you for someone half-way clever, let alone Effy Stonem."

Katie falls onto her back, and lets out a pathetic little cry. "What the fuck am I doing with her? Fuck's sake, really, _what the fuck_ is wrong with me?"

Emily smiles gently. "Do you really want me to go through the entire list?"

"Fuck off," Katie answers, laughing roughly.

They're silent for a bit; Katie wonders if Emily's thinking about Naomi, but decides it's better not to ask.

Finally, Emily takes her by the hand, tugs as she says, "Let's go home, you cow."

She's on her feet, brushing dirt off the back of her skirt, when Katie finally dares to say, "She fucked me up, Ems. I can't even look at her without feeling like... Christ, I don't even know. What the fuck is it?"

“You don’t understand, Katie. It’s what love does, yeah? Fucking knocks you over.” Emily sounds hurt, and maybe even a bit resentful. Mostly she just sounds tired, though, and Katie wonders how long this thing with Naomi will keep on, whether they'll figure it out before it crushes them.

"Love," she says disdainfully.

The look Emily gives her is bleak. "Yeah. Not all sunshine and bloody roses."

"Oh, fuck off. When is it _ever_?"

"You'll go and see her, then?"

Katie sighs. "Dunno."

"She owes you an explanation, doesn't she?"

"She doesn't owe me anything," Katie replies wearily. "She never said--"

"Don't be stupid," Emily interrupts. "It's not what she says that matters."

\--

Anthea answers, looking more made up than Katie's ever seen her.

"Hello," she says, pulling the door back to let Katie inside. "She's upstairs."

Katie nods dumbly, staring back at Anthea, who hasn't quite moved out of the way.

"I haven't been much help to her for ages, you know? I hope you're better at it than I am. She's gone off the rails, and I've just... I've never known how to pull her back, you know? Anthea Stonem: Mother of the Year." She laughs to herself and mutters, "I shall be here all week."

Katie doesn't know what to say at all. She looks around the house--spotless, for once--and glances at the stairs, feeling so fucking awkward she almost turns around to go. Instead, she asks, "Why did you leave?"

"Family business," Anthea replies, but after a moment seems to think better of her answer. "Her father and I, we've been separated for some time, obviously, and it's just become completely final. The divorce. And we thought, I don't know, we thought we owed it to them, to our children, to be together as a family one last time." Anthea shrugs. "It was bloody awful, is what it was. Sometimes you've got to admit when you don't know anything, haven't you?"

Katie nods, even though she's got no idea what Anthea's on about, not really. "Yeah. Right."

"You're the girl, aren't you?"

"Sorry?"

"Yeah, the girl Effy hurt. I never put it together before, it's all been such a mess, but you are." She gives Katie a long look and adds, curiously, "How have you forgiven her?"

Katie stumbles over her reply. "She didn't mean it, did she."

"No, of course not, but I've found that rarely matters."

\--

She knocks on the door, and when she hears a listless "go away," opens it.

"I told you--" Effy starts to say, but as she rolls over in bed and sees Katie, all colour drains from her face and she clamps her lips shut.

Katie lifts a shoulder, shakes her head. "Hey."

Effy just looks at her for a moment, opens her mouth and lets out a slow, careful, "Hello."

Katie doesn't wait to be invited in; she sits on the edge of the bed, facing away from Effy--maybe it'll be easier if they don't have to look at each other. "Why didn't you tell me?" She waits for a response. When she doesn't get one, she curls her fingernails into her knees and forces herself to say, "It was fucked up, Effy."

"I know."

"You _know?_ "

Effy doesn't say anything again, and when Katie, frustrated and angry, finally turns to look at her, she shrugs and rolls over.

"No," Katie says firmly. Crawling up onto the bed, she puts a hand on Effy's shoulder and turns her around a bit too roughly. For a moment, Effy looks absolutely shocked, as if she's forgotten that this is how it used to be between them. "Fucking--" Katie lets out a breath, and squeezes Effy's shoulder, hard, before letting go. "You don't get to do that anymore."

"What?" Effy replies. "What do you want, Katie? I fucked up. Why is that such a surprise?"

It's unexpected, how all of the anger drains from Katie at once and she's left feeling mostly sad, and amazingly stupid. She should leave, but instead she sinks onto the mattress, exhausted.

Effy just watches her, looking like a wounded animal.

For what seems like a long time, they just lie there quietly, a palpable tension stretching between them. When Katie gets the urge to say something ugly, to lash out, she bites the inside of her cheek instead. She's so fucking tired of fighting.

She takes Effy's hand, grips it almost too tightly, and says the first meaningless thing she can think of. "I saw your brother this morning."

Effy blinks at her. "I don't want to talk."

Katie rolls her eyes, wishing she were a coward, wishing she could walk away as easily as Effy. "Yeah, well, I do."

Effy gives her a long look, and murmurs, "I stopped talking for almost a year once."

Katie guesses it's some kind of stupid warning. When she responds, laughter catches in her throat. "Babe, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Did you use, like, fucking hand signals, or what?"

"Didn't need to," Effy replies blandly.

"Am I supposed to be impressed, then?" Katie asks. "Fuck's sake, just let it go."

"Don't try to fix me, Katie."

"Well, fuck, can't I just be your fucking _friend_ , Effy?" There's a keen desperation in her voice, and Katie hates it. She hates that she's so thoroughly in this now, with Effy. Mostly she hates that she doesn't want to get out. "Christ, you--"

The hard, tight-lipped kiss Effy gives her feels like nothing but punishment.

"Don't," Katie says, jerking away, willing away the nausea that overtakes her when Effy takes her hand and presses it between her own legs. "Not like this, okay?"

"Why _not?_ It's how we've always..." A kind of despair washes over Effy's face as she shakes her head, clamping her fingers more tightly around Katie's wrist. "I just need to feel something else," she whispers hoarsely.

For a few awful moments, Katie tries. Kissing Effy's unyielding mouth, her cheek, Katie starts stroking over her knickers until Effy's fingers relax their grip. There's nothing about it that feels right, and the hard set of Effy's jaw and the wild determination in her eyes make Katie feel horrible for even trying.

She stops abruptly, shaking her head. When Effy pulls away with a loud sniffling sound, Katie wraps an arm around her waist. There's a brief struggle, but Katie doesn't let go, and after a bit Effy just sags into the embrace.

Katie tries again. "Talk to me, will you? I mean, I fucking know. Your mum--"

" _No._ "

"I get it," Katie says. "It's fucked up, isn't it?"

Effy stares back mutely until slowly her face begins to crumple. She takes one shuddering breath, then another, until suddenly she's crying so hard that Katie can't quite believe it's really happening.

"Jesus," she says roughly, her own eyes welling up as she pulls Effy closer, letting her bury her face against the side of Katie's throat. She feels hot tears against her skin as Effy's shoulders shake and shake, wracking sobs seizing her completely. It's as if, now that she's started, now that she's let herself, she can't really stop.

Katie starts to talk, starts to whisper, "Effy, babe..." but she can't think of anything to say that'll help, so she just rubs slow circles into the small of Effy's back until Effy's crying subsides bit by bit.

When she's more or less finished, Effy takes in a shuddering breath as she leans away to rub at her eyes. "Sorry," she mutters thickly, and Katie feels a pang of guilt for having brought any of it up in the first place.

"What _for_?" Katie asks, running her thumb along Effy's wet cheek.

"Being a shit, not telling you I was leaving." Effy shrugs and looks away, swallowing visibly before taking another deep, unsteady breath. "I thought it'd be easier to just..." She shakes her head. "I just thought it'd be easier."

It won't do any good to press for more, so Katie simply nods as she pushes Effy's tear-dampened hair away from her face. "Okay."

"And you're right," Effy says, "about it being fucked up. But it has been for a long time, and I'm just no good at... dealing." She smiles weakly. "Tony's much better at it than I am. Maybe all I need to sort myself out is to be hit by a bloody bus."

Katie tries to laugh. "Or a rock, yeah?"

Effy gives her a pained little smile and reaches for the fags on her nightstand. "Yeah, sure," she says, swiping at her eyes. She taps a cigarette from the pack and lights it before asking, "You want to meet him? He's out with some friends, but maybe later...?"

It's enough of a surprise that Katie doesn't answer immediately. "All right," she says slowly. "Just don't tell him I made you cry, yeah?"

"Don't worry." Effy blows out a stream of smoke and leans in to kiss her. For the first time since arriving, Katie feels herself relax. "He's cool, remember?"

"Yeah." Katie replies, thinking how the first day of college really does feel like a fucking lifetime ago. "And he's well fit, too, but not really my type." She puts a hand at the back of Effy's neck and tugs a bit, gives her a deeper kiss.

Effy's eyes are still red from crying, but when she leans away her smile is light. There's still a sadness in her eyes, but she seems better--less likely, maybe, to break apart.

"Katie, I've _seen_ your type. Tall, not particularly clever--"

"Hits people over the head with rocks?" Katie asks archly.

Effy grins. "Only the one."

\--

Tony Stonem is exactly the sort of bloke Katie might've gone for in another lifetime. Tall, fit, charming, and a bit of a wanker--he's too much like Effy in some ways, and entirely different in others.

There's something unsettling about the way he looks Katie over when they're first introduced, the way he smiles sharply as he assesses her with an all too-familiar blue gaze.

"This is Katie," Effy says, as soon as he walks through the front door and into the kitchen, carrying two brown takeaway bags. She says it in that cool, laconic way of hers and for a moment it's as if Katie only imagined her having fallen apart at the seams.

He gives Effy a quizzical smile that quickly turns knowing before setting his eyes on Katie. "Hello," he says, as he puts down the food. "I'm Tony."

"Yeah, hi." Katie feels unreasonably nervous under the scrutiny, and when Tony finally looks back at Effy and begins taking cartons of Chinese food from the bags, she has to fight to contain a sigh of relief.

"Where's Mum?" he asks, though he doesn't really sound like he was expecting Anthea to be present at all.

"She sleeps with Prince Valium tonight," Effy answers, reaching for the pack of cigarettes sitting on the counter; she's been chain-smoking for the better part of the evening.

"What's that from?" Tony asks, before looking up to see she's lit another fag. He surprises Katie by suddenly turning his attention her way. "She smokes too much, doesn't she?"

When Katie takes too long in answering, Effy does it for her. "Shut the fuck up," she says, completely amiably. "Don't see you giving it up."

"It's unladylike," he insists, his smile sly. He winks at Katie but then, as if something's switched in his brain, he asks, "That line, then? What's it from?"

"I forget."

Their rapport is familiar, though Katie instantly recognises what's missing--the underlying competitiveness she feels whenever she's with Emily. Tony and Effy are so at ease with each other, Katie is nearly envious.

"Katie," Tony says. "I've heard so much about you."

Startled, Katie looks at him, then back at Effy, who seems to be rolling her eyes at Tony's joke--or what Katie assumes to be a joke. "Like what?"

"Ignore him," Effy says. "He's being a twat."

"She only says that because she doesn't want me giving away her secrets," Tony interjects. Katie waits for him to say more, but when he glances over at Effy, he shrugs and says, "She'd kill me, I think."

Katie catches Effy giving her brother a nasty look. "Secrets?" she asks, laughing. "She's an open book, isn't she?"

Tony smiles brightly. "Oh, I like this one, Effy. You should keep her awhile."

Effy doesn't respond to his comment. She stubs out her cigarette and takes a closer look at the food he's brought home. "Did you bring back that spicy chicken?" she murmurs, picking up a carton but not bothering to open it.

He takes it out of her hands, opens it, puts it down and repeats the process until he finds what she's asked for. "Black pepper chicken," he says, presenting it to her. When she takes a fork and begins to eat, he steals it back from her, admonishing, "Don't be rude, Eff. We've got company. Do you like _spicy chicken_ , Katie?"

Katie shrugs, amused by Tony's display, by how easily he seems to be able to navigate Effy's moods. "Yeah, guess so."

He hands her the container and a fork, before turning to smirk at Effy. " _Share,_ " he says, grabbing a carton of steaming noodles. "Sorry, no plates. Effy and I have decided we aren't washing up tonight. As you can imagine, Eff's not particularly domestic." He twirls his fork through his food and takes in a mouthful. When he's done chewing he adds, "Suppose you keep her around for her good looks, then?"

"Right," Katie says, vaguely pleased to know Effy _has_ been talking about her, though she can't help wondering, and worrying about _what_ was said. "Well, and her cheery disposition, yeah?"

"I am feeling rather warm and fuzzy at the moment," Effy remarks flatly, spearing a piece of chicken before popping it into her mouth.

As they eat, Tony asks Katie questions, mostly about college, and even though he's cool and probably wouldn't give a shit that she's got no fucking clue what she's going to do after college, or whether she'll even manage to get qualifying grades for her A-levels, she answers them the way she would if she were talking to her parents, or one of her teachers. He nods absently at her responses, talks about Cardiff and his friends. Effy just picks at her dinner, silently watching them.

"Effy claims she's taking a gap year. Isn't that right, Eff?"

Effy makes a vague sound, doesn't bother looking up from her food.

It's the first time Katie's thought about what might be happening in just a few months, and the realisation that there's so little time left is surprisingly upsetting. "Really?" she says weakly, reaching for Effy's cigarettes.

"Where did you say you wanted to go?" Tony asks Effy.

Effy glances at Katie for a moment before looking back at him. She shrugs. "Dunno."

"Maybe New York, yeah? Sid and Cass--"

"I said I don't know, okay?"

They exchange a long look until finally Tony puts down his carton with raised eyebrows. "Yeah, all right."

It's then, in the middle of a strangely tense silence, that Anthea wanders into the room, smoothing down her wild, sleep-mussed hair. She notices Katie first and says, with a measure of benign surprise, "You're still here."

Katie raises a shoulder, doesn't know how to reply but soon it doesn't matter because Anthea's focus has settled elsewhere. She seems very nearly lost, and Katie wonders what it would be like, having one absent parent and another so far gone into her own world she can't even manage day-to-day tasks, let alone caring what her children are up to.

"Are you hungry, Mum?" It shouldn't be a weird question, but there's concern in Effy's voice, and Katie's never heard her address Anthea with anything but contempt. It suddenly occurs to Katie that it's Effy who's had to take care of her mum for fuck knows how long.

"Don't think so. I'm feeling rather queasy. Bit of tea, hm?"

Effy gets up to put a kettle on, whilst Tony pulls out a chair for his mother. "All right?" he asks.

"Slept too much, didn't I?"

Tony nods wanly, glancing at Effy who doesn't react at all except to go on about the task of making Anthea's tea.

Anthea lights a fag, sucks on it forcefully and blinks through the haze of smoke she exhales. "Too many pills," she murmurs; the ash dangling from the end of her cigarette is already impressively long.

Tony purses his lips. Effy still doesn't turn around, but she stops what she's doing for a moment. When she puts down the mug she's taken from the cupboard, it hits the counter with a rattling crash.

"You were doing fine last week," Tony says evenly.

"Yes, well, last week was last week, wasn't it?" Anthea laughs a bit, her cigarette bobbing dangerously. Finally, she takes it from her mouth and deposits the ash in the first available container--Tony's not-quite empty carton of noodles. "And tomorrow is tomorrow."

Effy places the cup of tea in front of her mother with enough force that some of the liquid sloshes over its edges. Anthea glances at her and smiles curiously. "Cheers, sweetheart."

"We're going," Effy tells Tony.

"Right," he says, smiling tightly. "Nice to have met you, Katie. Don't let my sister fool you, all right?"

Katie has no idea what he means by that, really, but she doesn't have time to ask. Effy glares at him and walks out of the room with only one backward glance at Katie.

"She never stays," Katie hears Anthea murmur, as she rushes to catch up.

\--

She follows Effy to the harbour. They sit; Effy watches the water, and Katie watches Effy smoke.

"Sorry about that," Effy says. "I thought she'd be out of it all night."

"Don't be an idiot. She's your mum, isn't she?"

Effy gives her a funny look, before turning her gaze back on the water. It's a surprisingly mild evening, and the sky is clear. Katie wishes every day were this nice.

"Sometimes it seems like she's going to get her shit together."

Katie frowns. "And what happens?"

"And then she doesn't."

"I like your brother."

"Yeah? Me too."

"Is he staying long, then?"

"No," Effy says, taking a puff of her cigarette. "He's got to get back to university. But the holidays are coming up and maybe..." She shrugs. "Maybe he'll come here instead of somewhere else."

Katie puts her hand over Effy's, and Effy just sort of looks at it without saying anything. Finally she tangles their fingers together and squeezes.

"Let's go have some fun, yeah?" Katie says. "We'll get pissed, or whatever."

Effy smiles. "You're a horrible influence, Katie."

"I haven't fucking mentioned my stash of MDMA, have I?"

"Maybe just vodka?" Effy asks. She looks strangely serious until she asks, "Don't you want to get drunk with me, _juicy_?" and then her entire face lights up, she's smiling so broadly.

Katie pushes at her shoulder, slightly mortified. "You're such a fucking cow."

"You never call _me_ juicy," Effy responds, sobering considerably. She's doing a remarkably good job of keeping a straight face now, but Katie can see her eyes crinkling at the corners.

"I've got other names for you," she says, "but I mostly keep them to myself. You know, out of, like, respect. I mean, if I called you a cunty slutface every other day, you might develop a complex or something."

The corner of Effy's mouth jerks up. “That’s beautiful, Katie,” she says. “Warms my heart.”

"That's good enough, then."

She can’t decipher the look Effy gives her, not really. Sometimes she wishes Effy were easier to read. Or harder, because whenever Katie catches a glimpse of emotion on Effy’s face, she's nearly undone.

\--

The night after Tony leaves, Katie and Effy get absolutely smashed. They don’t bother with drinks, just dip straight into a baggie of MDMA and blue little pills Effy picked up that make Katie feel dangerously like she’s on the verge of flying. She has the vague sense that she’s completely fucked up even as they’re dancing, but Effy looks so deliriously happy, she can’t really find the resolve to regret any of it.

“I am totally, totally off my face,” Effy says, half-laughing as they stumble out of the club into a frigid night.

Nodding, Katie giggles through a snort, keeping upright only by some miracle. When she takes an inadvertent step and ends up falling heavily against the wall behind her, she just giggles more loudly, astounded by how hot her skin feels despite the bitter wind that’s chilling her bones. “I think I’ve got a fucking fever,” she says, dimly aware she sounds entirely too cheery, given the circumstances.

Effy trips closer, touching her forehead to Katie’s. “You’re cold,” she says. “Cold and a bit sweaty.” She kisses Katie’s cheek, licks at her throat. “Salty.”

“My skin’s, like, burning,” Katie murmurs, shivering, closing her eyes as she puts her hands out, grasping whatever she can find—Effy’s shoulder, her arm. She clutches them tightly as the world suddenly decides to tip beneath them.

She slides down the wall as her knees buckle, and Effy’s there with her, breath hot on Katie’s ear as she lets out a surprised exclamation that gives way to raucous laughter. “Oh, shit!”

Katie laughs, too, as they collapse in a heap but somehow manage to right themselves so they’re half-sitting, half-lying on the ground next to each other, fingers tangled as they breathe heavily, their intermittent laughter cutting through the faraway drone of music coming from inside the club.

When Effy sighs contentedly, Katie bends into Effy’s shoulder, feels the soft warmth of Effy’s lips on the side of her head, doesn’t think much of anything except, maybe, _Christ, this is fucking nice._ She does say, her tongue sluggish, "Let's stay here.”

Effy grunts her reply, and they stay for what seems like a very long time, until Effy, through some extraordinary feat, gets up and pulls Katie along with her. "Need to go." Tugging on Katie's arm, she chants, ever softly, "Rain, rain, rain."

Katie doesn't know what Effy's on about until the first drop of water, ice cold, hits her face. By the time they're near shelter it's pissing rain, and they're both too tired and too high to care where it is they're finding refuge.

"Shed," Katie says, fumbling for the key she knows is hidden in one of the nearby flower pots. It's there, underneath muddy soil, and it takes her more than one try to slip it into the padlock.

Freddie's shed looks less like Karen's dance rehearsal space, and more like the nasty little den Katie imagines it must've been before it got a fresh coat of paint, a mirrored wall, and a barre.

"He'll fucking kill us if he finds us here," she mutters, half-amused by the prospect, too fucked up for it to matter either way.

"Wank fodder," Effy says, laughing again as she drops to the floor inelegantly.

Katie falls down beside her, noting with disinterest that her clothes are still wet and that it's fucking _cold_ in Freddie's shed. Raising her head, she looks around until she finds a dingy little blanket on an armchair. She finds that if she stretches, she can reach it without getting up, and once she's got it in her grasp it takes minimal effort to spread it across both their bodies.

"I wanted you to not miss your brother tonight," Katie says, turning to look at Effy, whose eyes are fixed on the mirror across from them. "Did it work?"

Effy smiles a bit. "Yeah." She leans in and gives Katie a lazy kiss. "Yeah, it worked."

Satisfied, Katie puts an arm around Effy's waist and shimmies closer. When she shuts her eyes, she hears Effy say, "Thanks."

It's the last thing she's aware of until daylight hits her square in the face and Freddie's voice cuts through the fog of sleep.

"Jesus. _Jesus._ "

Katie blinks, slowly realising where she is. Her mouth is dry, her back hurts, she's got her cheek on Effy's chest and a hand high under her skirt, flush against her inner thigh. She can't remember anything about how they got in this particular position, but the moment awareness hits her, she sits up with a start and sees black. "Ow, " she mutters angrily, rubbing her forehead with the heel of her hand. "Fuck's sake,"

"This has got to be the most fucked up thing you've ever done," Freddie is saying, looking stricken.

"Doubtful," Effy replies, her voice rough. She coughs and clears her throat, but when she speaks again it still sounds like it must hurt her to talk. "I don't even know how we got here." She laughs. "Shit. Sorry."

"Right."

"It was fucking raining, yeah?" Katie says defensively. "Sort of just ended up here, didn't we?"

The look of incredulity on Freddie's face is almost comical. "I'm sorry, do you not have homes you can go to?" He shakes his head as he steps over them and falls into his chair, muttering a frustrated, "Fuck."

"We were off our faces," Effy explains.

For a moment, Freddie looks like he's about to say something snide, and Katie prepares a remark of her own; but then, surprisingly, he just shrugs and sort of smiles. "You two are absolutely ridiculous," he says, his tone nearly friendly.

"What's that make you, then?" Katie asks.

"Yeah, I really don't want to think about that, actually," he answers, laughing a bit. He gazes at them, and all Katie can conjure up is the knowledge that he fucked them both, that they fought _over him_ , and somehow ended up not wanting him at all. Katie thinks back on the day she asked Freddie whether there was anything she could do to make him want her more than he wanted Effy, and how his simple no had cut her vanity to shreds. Now she's glad she could never have him, glad he could never have Effy. Glad for the daisy-chain of dysfunction. (Glad, too, for the woods, and for that fucked up blow of fate.)

She touches her scar.

"You look like shit," Freddie is saying casually. "Both of you."

Katie and Effy glance at each other. Katie has no clue what she looks like, but Effy's mascara has run, her lipstick's gone (Katie kissed it off long before their evening ended in a heap on Freddie's shed floor), her hair is tangled and wild. She looks, Katie thinks, fucking lovely.

"Microwaved?" Effy asks, and Katie bursts out laughing. Laughs harder still when her stomach grumbles and Freddie looks at her with wide eyes.

He grins. "Hungry?" Katie makes a face, but her stomach grumbles again, and Freddie shakes his head as he gets out of his chair. "It's half one, and I'm guessing you didn't eat anything but pills last night, yeah? I'll... find something."

He brings back cheese toasties and lukewarm tea--Katie's stomach revolts slightly, but she _is_ hungry. They stay in the shed because Karen's home and apparently Freddie's "had enough abuse for one day, thanks."

They eat silently while Freddie rolls a spliff, watching them with barely suppressed curiosity. "I still don't, you know, _get it_ ," he says.

"This isn't something for you to make sense of," Effy replies, reaching across Katie when Freddie offers her the spliff. She looks at it for a moment, then changes her mind and hands it back.

"Have _you_ made sense of it?" he asks slowly. Effy glances at Katie, but doesn't answer. She takes a careful sip of her tea and shrugs. "I mean, one day you hate each other, and the next you're... whatever it is you are. If you think about it--"

Katie's interruption is terse. "Yeah, well, we don't."

She expects him to press on, but he doesn't; he raises his eyebrows a bit and tilts his head. "It's fucking weird, isn't it?"

"What's weird about it?" Katie's replies in a deadpan. "You mean that we've all fucked each other?" She hears Effy expel a short laugh.

Freddie, surprisingly, laughs as well. "For starters." It isn't until he's through with the spliff that he starts speaking again, straight to Effy. "After everything with Cook, I just... It just sort of ended, didn't it? One day we were on this fucking boat, and the next it was _Bristol_ , and like nothing had changed, you know? We were all back where we started, only not actually because you'd sort of decided you were through with the lot of us, yeah, Eff?"

"It wasn't going to work," Effy replies quietly. She reaches into her jacket pocket for her cigarettes, lights one and takes a slow, deep drag. "For any of us."

"Cook figured it out straightaway," Freddie continues, "but I... Jesus, even Jay knew. I mean, he just knew."

"JJ's clever," Effy says.

"Yeah, 'course he is." Freddie's smile is pained. "Effy, I just, I want you to know, I'm glad you've found something. Okay?"

"Something?" Katie's voice is sharp; sharper than she'd meant it to be.

"Someone," Freddie corrects. "Sorry, it's still a bit hard to believe. Your relationship."

"Whatever. And anyway, it's not like that," Katie says, looking to Effy for a denial, for something to rub in Freddie's face.

Instead, Effy keeps her gaze averted, her expression carefully neutral. When she's smoked her fag down to the filter, she stubs it out on the floor. "We should go," she says. "Thanks for the food and the shed, yeah?"

Freddie nods, and just as Katie's gotten to her feet, still irritated with her own stupid words and with Effy's lack of caring, the door swings open.

JJ stops short of coming inside, his eyes round as his mouth drops open. Cook doesn't notice them at all, walks in with his head down, but then he finally looks up, whatever he's saying dies on his lips as his mouth twists into a lecherous smile. "Oh, shit, man. What's this, then?"

"Cook," Freddie says sternly.

"Fucking hell," Cook says, laughing. "Threesome. Please say threesome, Freds."

Effy rolls her eyes, and walks towards the door, slapping Cook lightly on the cheek as she passes him, an affectionate gesture that makes Katie feel a pang of jealousy. "You'll never change, will you, Cook?"

"Trying not to," he replies. "Change has never done me any fucking good, yeah?" He tips his head at Katie, then asks, eyes locked with Effy's, "What about you, Eff? Decide to stop breaking people's fucking hearts?"

"Trying," she says placidly, moving around him, giving JJ a small smile which he returns hesitantly. "Holding it all together?"

"There's been, well, there's been less to fight about," he says, scratching the back of his neck. "It helps, I think."

The look Effy gives him is unexpectedly wistful. "Cool." She turns her attention back to Katie. "Ready?"

Katie grabs her clutch. As she passes Cook, he says, "If you're ever interested in cock again, ladies, you know where to find me, yeah?"

"Tosser," she snipes, but as she turns to glare he's smiling like maybe he really does understand some of this even better than she can. And so she feels her lips quirk in response, even manages a quick "see you" in JJ's direction.

"Awkward, that," she tells Effy later, while they wait at the bus stop. It's the first either one of them has said since leaving Freddie's shed.

Effy makes a sound, deep in the back of her throat, and crosses her legs as she lights another fag. "Coming over?"

"Can't. I've got to get home. Mum thinks I'm sleeping at Panda's."

After a long while, Effy, gaze on the road, on the people passing by, on her boots, says, "Thanks, okay?"

"What for?"

"For last night, and for not--" Effy shrugs, rubs the corner of her eye. "For a while, you made me forget about some things, that's all."

Katie can't think of anything to say, but then forces herself to laugh, mutters, "That's fucking ironic, isn't it?"

Effy's mouth jerks up at one corner. "Yeah, it really is."

"And anyway, babes, that wasn't me making you forget so much as that fuckload of MDMA, yeah? I mean--"

Effy interrupts with a brief kiss, and Katie finds herself unable to contain a soft sound of yearning when her lips slide away. "Take the compliment," Effy advises.

The words come coupled with a hand on Katie's thigh and maybe the unspoken promise that they'll make it up to each other for being incredibly thick-headed about all the things that matter.

It's what Katie hopes for, anyway.

She turns her head and gives Effy another kiss, a longer kiss, amazed by how much less she cares now that people might be watching. She wonders if that means she's growing up, or if maybe it's just Effy's worn away the last of her pride.

\--

"Oxford or Cambridge?" Katie asks, watching as Emily stares intently at the prospectuses that litter her bed. For a week, they remained untouched, neatly piled on Emily's side of the room, as if not looking at them might mean Emily could prolong the inevitable.

When Emily glances at her, the expression on her face is the sort Katie would expect on a person who'd just been told she has only a few months left to live. "Oxford," she mutters dully.

"Fuck's sake, don't sound so miserable about being clever." Katie sits on the edge of Emily's bed, picks up one of the booklets and flips through it. It's full of people looking really fucking happy to be getting a top education.

"Haven't been accepted yet, have I?"

"You will though. Nerds, like, fucking everywhere, yeah? You'll fit right in," Katie quips.

Emily manages to produce a pathetic smile. "Yeah, right."

Katie sighs. "Should I ask?"

"No." The prospectuses get shoved somewhere beneath Emily's bed. "Things are moving too fucking fast, that's all."

"At least you've figured out something important."

"Yeah, guess so." Emily shrugs and lies back on the bed, gaze fixed on the ceiling. "Doesn't feel important, though."

"What, because of Naomi? She's a twat, but she'll come around, won't she? She always does." When Emily looks away, Katie quickly adds, "Meanwhile, I haven't a fucking clue where I'll apply, or even _if_ I'll apply. Seems like a bloody waste of time, considering how rubbish I am at everything."

"You're not," Emily counters wearily.

Katie isn't so sure about that. When she thinks about her future, there's only a big black void she's got to fill, and she can't fathom how. "Dunno. I suppose my marks aren't completely fucking awful."

Emily props her head up on her hand and smiles faintly. "Remember when we'd play dress-up? You'd pretend you were a teacher, and you'd sit James down on the sofa and make him listen to nonsense you'd make up about..." She pauses, now grinning at Katie. "Fuck. What was it?"

Katie laughs. "Oh, no, I remember. I'd, like, mix up Bluebeard and Henry the Eighth, and prattle on about this secret room in his castle, and how it was full of blood and the corpses of his dead queens. Christ, I made him fucking cry, didn't I?"

"Yeah, you did, but he loved it. Kept coming back for more of your lessons. You were good with him, before he turned into a total perv." Emily leans over and reaches under her bed, tosses the prospectuses at Katie. "Maybe you could teach?"

"Fuck off," Katie replies, rolling her eyes. "I'd rather die, yeah, or work at Fitch Fitness for the rest of my life. Anyway, I also used to pretend I was Posh Spice. Am I meant to join a fucking girl group as well, because I don't _think_ I need a degree to be in Girls Aloud, Ems."

"Well, as long as those are your only options," Emily says, amused. "I don't mean teach college, or anything. Just, you know, you like the little ones."

"Whatever." Instead of giving back the prospectuses, though, Katie drops them on the floor, by her bed. It won't hurt to look them over, even if most are for universities that will probably never accept her. "You're right about one thing, though."

"What's that?"

"It's all moving too fucking fast."

\--

There's a party.

They arrive in separate groups, but few of the old animosities linger and by the end of the night they all end up in a tight circle in the garden, drinking and smoking. Effy sits beside Katie, and although they don't touch, Katie feels Effy's constant gaze, her secret smiles.

Thomas is talking about getting a job in a bigger club, with better pay, as some sort of promoter, and everyone's congratulating him. Even Cook says, "Top stuff, man," which earns him a genuine smile from both Thomas and Pandora. It shouldn't surprise Katie, how people forgive one another, but it still sort of does.

Emily and Naomi haven't let go of each other's hands once all evening, and Katie wonders if they've made up for good or if this is just sort of reprieve. Naomi's well drunk, drunk and silly, and more than once she gives Emily what look like unexpected kisses. Any other night, Katie would tease them relentlessly for their disgusting behaviour, but she can't begrudge Emily her happiness. It's been weeks since Katie's seen her smile this openly, and she has no intention of spoiling the mood.

Pandora's asking about university. She's saying she'll apply to Bath Spa Uni, so she can still be near Thomas without being too close to her mum ; JJ mentions being "quite, quite definite" about Cambridge; Freddie's not sure, though he has a few in mind, all "very far away from Bristol"; Effy's quiet; Naomi's quiet; Emily mutters something about Oxford, but adds that she probably won't be accepted. (Naomi kisses her again right then, and whispers something in her ear, something that makes them sigh quietly and lean against one another. Katie has a sudden, overwhelming urge to reach for Effy's hand, but she doesn't.) Cook grins and raises his bottle of vodka: "Fuck university!" He could just as easily be saying _fuck life._

They laugh. Freddie cuffs Cook on the back of the head before giving him a one-armed hug, and the laughter slowly dissolves into a pleasant silence. Katie raises her plastic cup to Cook, and he winks at her.

In that moment, she feels acutely how much she'll miss them all when they're gone. She won't delude herself into thinking their time together's been entirely nice, but she doesn't want to remember the awful bits. Maybe she's drunk and feeling sentimental, but right now these are her best friends in the world.

She'll miss them.

\--

"Do you ever wonder why we still do this?"

Katie's halfway to sleep when she hears Effy's question. "Do what, babes?" she mumbles into her pillow.

"Why you're here," Effy replies quietly. "Why I ask you to come here."

Katie takes a deep breath and rolls over, rubs the corners of her eyes. She's still more than a little drunk, and she thinks Effy must be too, because the question comes out of nowhere. "You mean besides the sex." Katie tries to sound flippant, but instead she just sounds tired and wary. She doesn't like the questions people think up in the middle of the night.

Effy's smile isn't much of one. "Yeah. Besides that."

Shaking her head, Katie shrugs listlessly. "No reason to stop, is there?"

"None?"

"I mean... " Fear grips her as she looks at Effy and asks, plainly, "Do you want to stop?"

It takes five seconds for Effy to respond. In those five seconds, Katie decides she'll leave before she cries. Maybe she'll make it out the door without making a fool of herself.

Effy blinks slowly, her gaze inscrutable. "Do you?"

"Why are you..." Katie begins to say. She sits up, her fear giving way to a burst of intense anger. "Don't fucking answer my question with another question, all right? You're the one who brought this up, not me."

"Right," Effy says. "Sorry."

"Well, you should be. Christ's sake." Katie's got options. She can get up and get dressed and leave before she says something stupid, something she'll regret, or she can turn over and make Effy really sorry by _staying._ She isn't sure which one would hurt more. So she closes her eyes and waits.

"Katie?"

"What?" Katie covers her face with her hands, the knot in her throat is so big it's painful. If she cries now, she'll be wrecked.

The bed shifts, and she feels Effy move closer until she's pressed against Katie's back, kissing her shoulder. "I won't ask again."

Katie hiccups, frowns at herself. "You said we could just _be_ , right?"

"And you said you wanted to know what that meant."

"Well, I don't anymore, okay? I don't." It's a lie; Katie wants to know, but only if it means she can keep Effy, and now, in the dark of Effy's room, she feels every single one of her insecurities manifest itself.

"Yeah, okay. Just don't be angry." Effy's arms wrap around her, and Katie sags into the embrace.

She sighs, wishing it were anger settling in the back of her throat. It's not; it's something else, something entirely more devastating. "I'm not," she replies wearily. Turning around, she presses Effy to the bed, because it's easier and it'll feel good. "Forget it."

\--

"What would you call us?"

They're an awkward foursome, out at a sad little pub. Naomi and Effy are picking up drinks when Katie leans closer to her sister and whispers the question.

"You mean, you and Effy?"

"Fuck's sake, no, me and fucking _Prince William._ Duh, Emily, yes." She scowls as Emily rolls her eyes. "I mean, are we like... We're not what you and Naomi are, obviously."

"Dunno, Katie, it seems pretty familiar at the moment."

Katie looks over her shoulder. Naomi and Effy are leaning over the bar, laughing about something as they wait. "Not what I meant. I meant in general, didn't I? You two are..." She shrugs. "Like, _together._ "

Emily smiles coolly. "You should ask Effy, I think."

"Don't be stupid."

"Maybe it's all right if you don't figure it out right away," Emily says. "Maybe then you won't be so keen to put each other in boxes."

"Fuck are you saying? Is this about--"

Emily interrupts with a sharp shake of her head and a glance in the general direction of the bar. Naomi's laughter is loud as she and Effy approach the table, drinks in hand.

"What's so funny, then?" Katie asks, looking at Effy as she sits down and quickly tips back one of the shots they've brought back with them.

Effy shrugs. It's Naomi who responds, "I was just telling her about the first time you sicced your minions on me at middle school, Katiekins." She laughs again, less enthusiastically. "Protecting, as you were, your sister's virtue."

"Christ's sake, why bring that up?"

"Jesus, because it's pretty fucking funny, isn't it? Hindsight being what it is."

Katie smirks. "Not wrong, though, was I? You're the muff-munching bitch I always said you were."

Naomi smiles, big and sticky sweet and very obviously fake. "Takes one to know one, Katie. Besides, you were wrong about Emily, who is, in fact, quite fucking gay."

"Yeah, well, I'm fucking _not_ , okay?"

"Does Effy know that?"

"Whatever." Everything about Effy's response is lazy. "I don't really care what she calls herself."

"Fuck's sake, you're open-minded. Then again, you're mortal enemies who somehow ended up shagging, so--" She stops abruptly and rolls her eyes, takes a long drink of her cider as Emily gives her a hard look.

"What the fuck?" Katie asks.

"Sorry," Emily says, "she's just--"

" _Em._ " The expression on Naomi's face is only somewhat apologetic. "Look, it just isn't a good time for this. It's been a shit day, and I think I'm going to go home, all right?" She doesn't really wait for Emily to respond, just grabs her hideous bag ( _contains ideas,_ Katie thinks dourly, _right_ ) and issues a vague good-bye as she more or less scurries off.

Katie waits for an explanation from Emily, but when one isn't forthcoming, she shakes her head and says, "Right. What the fuck was _that_?"

"We had an argument. I just." Emily takes a drink, pursing her lips as she swallows. "I shouldn't have made her come, that's all."

"She seemed fine earlier," Effy says, not unkindly.

The look on Emily's face is so helpless, so nearly _hopeless_ , that Katie automatically recoils. "You two aren't the fucking problem."

\--

All of the next month, things settle. Emily and Naomi seem to reach some sort of detente. If they're arguing, they're not doing so in public. Katie asks Emily about it only once, and Emily's honest answer is, "I don't know where things are headed, but we're trying. I just... I love her."

"And she fucking loves you, Ems."

"Yeah," Emily replies. "Yeah, she loves me."

Katie doesn't talk to Effy about Emily and Naomi anymore, because her responses are realistic, but never what Katie wants to hear. She doesn't want to know that these things don't last, that first loves rarely do and, anyway, "who knows what anyone means when they say _I love you_?"

So she stops asking Effy's opinion entirely.

When they go, at Katie's insistence, to the cinema to see a romantic comedy, and Effy laughs at all the wrong moments, Katie bites her tongue and doesn't say, "Look at them, they're fucking lovely. Don't you ever want to be in love?" Instead, she seethes silently and watches most of the film gritting her teeth.

Near the end of it, Effy leans over--they're alone, mostly, and sitting at the very back of the room--and asks, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

Effy gives her a blank look before rolling her eyes and leaning away, elbow on the opposite armrest.

When they leave the cinema, Katie's still cross. She doesn't say anything as they exit the building, just walks more quickly than Effy, always a few steps ahead. Effy doesn't rush to catch up, and after a while the only reason Katie knows she's still being followed is she can smell cigarette smoke carried upwind by a chilly breeze.

After a few minutes, she finally hears Effy say, "Katie, this is bullshit."

Katie considers not stopping, considers walking like this all the way home--the click-clack of her heels loud and forceful on the pavement, her anger made audible.

Then Effy's hand wraps around her forearm and she's being tugged between two buildings. "What the _fuck_?" Effy asks, more confused than angry.

" _What?_ "

"Why're you upset?"

"I'm not."

" _Katie._ " Effy drops the fag, crosses her arms as she gives Katie a long look. "I don't like this game. Try again."

Katie relents. "Fine. I'm upset, okay?"

"Why?" Effy asks, noticeably annoyed.

Katie knows all of the things she cannot say: "I'm afraid you'll go away; I'm angry that I want you at all, that it matters so much, that I'm starting to think I'm..."

What she says instead: "Well, fuck's sake, Eff, it wouldn't kill you, would it, to say something nice? I mean, all of my boyfriends--"

"I'm not your boyfriend," Effy remarks casually, raising an eyebrow.

Katie's answer is sharp. "No, of course not, but you're _something_ , aren't you? Even Danny--that stupid, selfish, brain-damaged sod--managed to compliment my tits every once in a while."

"Okay, Katie." Effy's tone is soothing, pacifying. She puts her hand on the front of Katie's blouse, lets it rest between her breasts. "I like your top," she says, smiling indulgently. "It's _pretty._ "

Katie swallows hard and tips her head back when Effy's fingers brush against the side of her breast. It's early enough that anyone could walk by and see them.

"More?" Effy asks.

"Huh?"

"Compliments?" She kisses Katie, lingering long enough that Katie forgets they're in broad daylight, in some bloody alleyway. "Want to tell me what's really wrong?" Effy whispers, leaning heavily into Katie, pushing her against the wall.

Katie tilts her head, finds Effy's mouth again. "No."

\--

Near the holidays, when the weather turns unbearable, Katie goes shopping for a new coat and finds a pair of ridiculous gloves she thinks Effy might like.

She catches herself in the moment of smiling down at her purchase, thinking, "She'll either have a laugh or find some use for them. Either way, I win," and realises she never once bought a boyfriend anything for Christmas. Birthdays, holidays, she'd always given the same thing--a voucher for her undying love and affection, redeemable in the form of handjobs, blowjobs, etc., depending on the occasion.

Outside the shop, she rings Emily. "I want to make Effy happy."

"Sorry?"

"I want to make her happy."

"Were you actively trying to make her unhappy prior to this, or am I missing something, Katie?"

"I bought her gloves that have, like, the fingers cut off. She likes that sort of shit, doesn't she?"

"What are you on about?"

"I think I fucking love her."

She doesn't take back her words, but the moment she gets home, she makes Emily promise not to pass the information on to Naomi, on pain of death.

"Well, are you going to tell Effy?"

"Are you mad? And why would I fucking do that?"

Emily's reply is surprisingly patient. "Because you love her?"

"I said I _think_ I do, and anyway, it's none of her business."

"You're an idiot," Emily says, walking away.

\--

A week before Christmas, during dinner, their dad announces they'll be heading for Scotland for the holiday. "It'll be lovely. You'll see all your cousins, all the family. It's been bloody ages, hasn't it?"

Katie watches Emily blanche and wonders if she has the same panic-stricken look on her face.

"It's certainly been a long time," Mum says.

"But _why?_ " James whines. "I don't _want_ to go to Scotland. Gordon McPherson invited me to his house for Boxing Day. We were going to watch football all day on his giant telly. And, anyway, Gran's house smells like wee."

"That's enough, James."

"But, _Mum._ "

"You heard your mother," Dad bellows. He glances at Emily, then Katie, and frowns. "And you two, look happier, yeah? Just think, a nice trip away from Bristol. Won't that be fun?"

\--

Emily waits to give Naomi the news until the last moment possible, and she tells Katie it's because she doesn't want to see Naomi miserable for longer than absolutely necessary. Katie waits and waits to tell Effy, too, and she half wonders if it's because she's afraid Effy won't be upset _enough._

Finally, two nights before they're scheduled to leave, she rings Effy. It's late; Emily's gone, and Katie's buried underneath several layers of blankets, she's so cold.

The line rings three times before Effy answers breathlessly. "Hey, what's up?" In the background, Katie hears a male voice, knows it's Tony, who's come home for Christmas. What sounds likes a struggle ensues and then Katie hears laughter and, "Katie, how are you?"

"Oh, hi, Tony. Yeah, all right. You?"

"Splendidly, thanks. What are you doing for Christmas?" There's another scuffle, and Effy says something that doesn't sound entirely nice. "Hold on. My sister really wants to talk to you." The speaker is muffled somehow, but Katie still makes out Tony's teasing voice, "Your girlfriend, then," and feels herself flush.

Effy picks up again. "Sorry. My brother's a wanker."

"It's fine. Listen, Eff, I actually wanted to let you know we're going away to Scotland the day after tomorrow. Apparently our grandparents are, like, on the verge of death or something. Not really, but they're fucking old, and--"

"Tomorrow?"

"No, the day after," Katie says. There's silence on Effy's end, so she continues, "I just... Well, can I see you before then? I know Tony's there, but..."

"I'll come by."

\--

Effy shows up at their meeting place--the bus stop a few blocks from Katie's house--unexpectedly early, and she has her mother’s car with her. “Get in,” she says, and Katie does after only a moment’s hesitation.

“I thought we were... Where are we going, Eff?”

“It’s a surprise.”

Effy's picked a bad day to go on a trip. The rain hasn't let up for hours, and it's so heavy even with the wipers working at full speed, it's hard to see through the windshield.

"Where are we going?" Katie asks again, more impatiently. She tips her head against the window and stares at the rivulets of water that carve their way down the glass.

Effy glances at her briefly, then sets her eyes back on the road as she answers, tiredly, "I told you, it's a surprise."

"I fucking know, but--"

"The Clifton Suspension Bridge."

"What, are you serious?" Katie knows she's being a cunt, but she can't help it. She's cold, annoyed because tomorrow she'll be leaving for Scotland for a whole bloody week... It's Christmas in two days and Effy's idea of fun is going to a fucking bridge. "Christ, you could've warned me, yeah? I mean, I'm not even wearing the right fucking shoes, am I?"

"I can turn around," Effy says, irritation in her voice.

"Fuck," Katie mutters. When Effy scowls, she reaches out and touches Effy's thigh. "No. We'll go, okay?"

Effy's scowl disappears, but she still looks worried she's done the wrong thing. Katie squeezes her leg and says, "I mean, lovely day for a drive."

Effy laughs, relaxes, and Katie spends the rest of the trip with her hand on Effy's knee, idly stroking the skin beneath a ragged hole in her trousers.

\--

The rain lets up a bit when they reach Clifton, and Effy parks on a quiet street near a path with a sign that reads 'Observatory Hill.' Katie gets out of the car, waits for Effy to grab the umbrella she's brought. She tucks her hands in her pockets, feeling in one of them the gloves she bought Effy for Christmas.

"Never actually been here," Katie says, as Effy pops open the brolly and they begin their walk. "Have you?"

"Yeah," Effy says. "After Tony's accident, once he was better, more or less, he asked to come." Her gaze is fixed on the path. "I'd been reading to him, and this particular book he liked described the bridge but didn't have a proper photograph. I showed him one online, but he still wanted to know how far it was from home. Mum told him, and he said that didn't sound like it was very far at all, so we came. He was well happy that day, till he shit his pants and Mum had to buy him jogging bottoms that only came up to his knees." She glances at Katie and smiles. "Don't tell him I told you."

A few other people--tourists, by the looks of them--are braving the downpour, but not many, and as they walk to the lookout point, Effy and Katie have the path mostly to themselves. They hold hands, fingers equally frozen; Katie doesn't remember who reached out first, but it probably doesn't matter.

When they're at the top of the hill Effy stops abruptly. All of the benches near the path are wet, so they stand, looking out at the grey sky, the enormous bridge--bigger and more impressive than Katie had imagined--and the Avon River below.

"I've got something for you," Effy says.

Katie doesn't know why she's surprised, but she is. "Yeah? I bought you something as well."

They both reach into their pockets; Katie pulls out the pair of gloves, wrapped in a holiday-themed paper, and Effy opens her palm to reveal... a rock. A golden rock.

"Fuck off," Katie says, staring at the thing as she takes it from Effy's hand.

"It's not real," Effy says, laughing as she tears the wrapping to her present. "It's Fool's Gold. It's a joke, Katie."

"Ha ha," Katie says sourly. "I fucking figured, you cow."

"Don't be angry," Effy says, kissing her. Katie warms instantly, hating a bit that she's become so easy to please.

Effy examines the gloves for a moment, grins and pulls them on, wiggles her fingers. "Practically impractical," she says.

"To match your fucking trousers, yeah?" Katie replies. "How you're not, like, constantly sick, I'll never know."

Effy smirks and touches Katie's cheek, making her lean away as she shrieks about icy fingers and evil cunts, though what she's thinking is she doesn't care that it's suddenly raining very hard, that she's chilled to the bone, because she wouldn't trade the sensation of Effy's cold hand on the back of her neck for anything except maybe a kiss, which she receives. Effy's lips are cool, but her breath is hot, the inside of her mouth inviting. They kiss until Effy seems to forget about holding the brolly upright and a gust of wind shoots it out of her lax grip.

They scream in unison. Katie watches in horror as Effy grabs for the umbrella, which flips and tumbles until it finally disappears over the edge of the gorge.

They run. They run as fast as they can back to the car, Katie kicking off her heels, feeling wet earth soaking through the bottom of her tights.

When they more or less dive into the car, they're both breathless, drenched, and shivering. Effy turns the ignition, runs the heat at full capacity, but it's not enough and soon she crawls into the back, looking for something they can use to dry themselves. Katie gets into the backseat, too, and they quickly find a pair of thick jumpers that smell only a bit mildewy.

Katie shrugs out of her jacket and slips the jumper on, watching as Effy does the same with her own, listening to the heavy patter of raindrops on the roof of the car. "Fuck, come here," she says, teeth chattering, and immediately they seek one another for warmth.

"Bloody brilliant idea," Katie mutters, her face pressed to Effy's chest. "You're a fucking genius, you know that?"

"It was fine, until we lost the umbrella," Effy answers, her shoulders shaking with laughter.

"Shut up." Katie fails to contain her own laughter. "It's not fucking funny. Look at us."

Effy leans back, still smiling as she pushes her wet hair out of her face and reaches into her discarded jacket's pocket. "Shit," she mutters, her face dropping. "Fucking..."

"Wait, what--?" Katie asks, her eyes widening as Effy ignores all logic and gets out of the car, back into the torrent of rain outside. Despite her better judgment, Katie follows, asks, "What are you doing?" as she watches Effy scan the ground.

"I lost something."

"What?"

Effy doesn't respond, just heads back toward the path, searching.

"Effy! Whatever it is, forget it!" But Effy keeps on, shielding her face with one arm as she continues to look for what she dropped. "Fuck's sake! _Effy!_ "

Finally, after an endless minute, Effy does give up, and they run back to the car together, their previously dry jumpers soggy and heavy and useless. Katie strips out of hers, tosses it away, and rubs her arms. "What did you fucking lose, then?"

Effy moves more slowly as she peels her own jumper away from her torso and heaves a sigh. "Nothing," she says.

"Eff."

"Your Christmas present." When Katie frowns, Effy replies, "You didn't really think the rock was it, did you? Anyway, it was a charm, for your necklace. I'll buy another."

Katie feels as if she may cry. Her eyes tear up unexpectedly, and she has to blink quickly to keep from doing something very stupid. "Oh."

Effy gives her a long look, shakes her head as she smiles a bit. "It was nothing, Katie. I can get another one. It wasn't even that expen--"

Katie kisses Effy, deeply, hungrily. She clutches Effy's damp skin and whispers, "I'll fucking miss you. I know it's just a week, but--"

Effy looks slightly taken aback, but her smile is tender. "I'll miss you, too."

This is the moment when Katie knows she's in love.

**Author's Note:**

> [Clifton Suspension Bridge - Observatory Hill](http://www.panavista.eu/#7.13.0)


End file.
